Tethers
by Queen Miley
Summary: Nick and Amanda's relationship was always complicated, at best. It's seemingly over until a difficult situation arises, which not only has implications for them, but for those who are close to them, too.
1. Everything is Fine

Something was off.

_Something was definitely off._

Those were the thoughts going through Detective Nick Amaro's mind as he stole another glance at the small blonde woman sitting at her desk. She was paler than usual and she kept glancing at the clock on the wall. Not to say that Nick loved paperwork either, but Amanda looked a little too anxious to be free of her responsibilities for the day- not that he should really care. They hadn't been talking since their fight at the bar when she had completely freaked out on him.

They hadn't been touching either.

God he had missed sliding his hands eagerly down the gentle slopes of her tiny body, her hands desperately gripping him as he…

He also missed the more innocent touches. Their bodies leaning into each other as they watched whatever dumb show was on, her grabbing his hands whenever whatever she was talking about overwhelmed her with excitement, or most especially when she allowed herself to let her guard down and rest her head on his shoulder or against his chest-

_Damn it. Snap out of it, Nick._

It was just sex. Well, when it was happening he hadn't felt that way. But now that is was seemingly over and had ended with fire, that's what he kept telling himself to keep him from showing up at her door, begging her to open up to him about whatever was bothering her. Something had obviously been up with her for days, but hey, it wasn't like she was going to let him in. She never let him in.

_It was just sex. It was just sex._

"Amanda?"

Fin's voice brought him out of his tensed up mind. His eyes snapped back over to her desk, only this time she wasn't there. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her quickly exiting the room.

He wanted to get up. He wanted to get up and follow her to go make sure she was ok (which he was sure she wasn't), but there was no sense in revealing their relationship to the team when there was no relationship anymore.

"I got it," Olivia said, having sensed that neither Fin nor Nick considered it their place it intervene, before softly calling Amanda's name and following after her.

"What do you think-

"I don't know."

"What's going on, Amaro? At first I thought you two might be-

"We're not."

"I know. But lately you can barely seem to be in the same room as each other."

Damn it. He thought they had done a good job of hiding the discord between the two of them.

"Maybe something is up with her, but everything is fine on my end," he lied smoothly.

"Fair enough," nodded Fin, seemingly buying it.

Nick tried to keep his worry for Amanda to a minimum, but it flooded through him and into his lungs, tightening his chest. Whether he liked it or not, he had a good read on her, or at least a better read on her than anyone else did. God damn it he was so tired of all her secrecy. He wasn't even mad about what transpired at the bar anymore, he just wanted to know what was wrong so that he could hold her and tell her that everything was going to be alright and help her fix it, but he knew that wasn't a possibility. As much as he loved- no, _liked_ her, he was beginning to see that maybe this split truly was for the best. He cared about her too much to watch her silently destruct and not let him help, or even know what was causing her this much trouble.

"She's sick. Poor girl is puking her guts out. When she's finished I'm going to give her a ride home. You two are free to go as well."

So she was sick? Was that it? No, it couldn't be. Maybe it explained her being so off today, but she hadn't been herself the past few days either. His first instinct was to go check on her, to hold her hair back and bring her water, but he knew better than that for two reasons. The first reason being that she would never let him take care of her, and the second being that he couldn't give in for his own sake. She had woven herself into the threads of his subconscious, and the only way he was going to get her out was by fighting the way she controlled him, even when she wasn't trying.

A sudden thought iced the blood rushing through his veins. Could Amanda be pregnant? The paleness, the nausea... He had thought he was just especially missing being physical with her at the time, but the other day he had thought that the curve of her chest against her sweater had been larger. He remembered seeing all these changes in Maria when she was pregnant with Zara.

But he already had Zara and Gil… could he even handle another child, with another woman whom he had a troubled relationship with? And why hadn't Amanda told him? Did Amanda even know she was pregnant?

Did _he_ even know she was pregnant? _You're getting ahead of yourself._ Maybe Amanda was just sick or stressed out. That was probably it. He was just projecting his own anxiety over the situation onto her.

She wasn't pregnant. She was ok. She didn't need his help. He should forget about her.

Everything was fine.

_Everything was fine._

If only he could believe that.


	2. Still Fine

An aggressive knock on the door awoke Amanda from her slumber. She jolted upright from her position on the couch and hearing nothing for a few moments, and thought it might have been a part of a dream. When the sound came again she sighed, resigned that that whoever it was meant business and was probably not going to go away.

As she walked to her door, her heart fluttered a bit, wondering if the person at her door could possibly be a coworker. _No Amanda_, _he hates you now._ She knew there was no way that it was Nick who was at her door, but who else could it be? As depressing as it was, Nick was the only knock she ever heard. No one really came around to see her and damn whoever was at her door for getting her hopes up for his return.

"Rollins I know you're in there. You have thirty seconds before this door goes down."

Well, her initial thought hadn't been completely incorrect. It was a coworker at her door, just not the one she wanted. Or maybe the one she didn't want. It was a confusing situation, ok?

Mustering up the coldest glare she could possibly give, she cracked her door open. She didn't say a word, just merely raised an eyebrow.

"You gonna let me in or what?"

"Why are you here, Fin?"

She knew why he was there, but she didn't want to talk about it.

"Let me in and we can talk about it."

She could tell from his face that he wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon. _God damn it, Olivia._

"Look I'm sick, ok? Whatever it is can't we just talk about it another time? Let me go back to sleep before I pass out or throw up on you."

"Alright, looks like we're not going to be doing this the easy way. Damn it, Amanda. You always make things so complicated."

_Yeah, I really do make things complicated._ She knew that he didn't mean it the way she felt it, but he had definitely hit a nerve. And also apparently distracted her long enough to push his way into the apartment. Sighing, she shut the door. There was no use in fighting his presence.

"You still don't look so good. Let's get you to the couch," Fin said, lightly putting his hands on her shoulders and guiding her back to her sofa. His hands were so light on her skin; he could tell that he was trying especially hard to be gentle with her, and she didn't like it. Whether it be due to her physical or emotional state, Amanda Rollins did not like to be coddled or looked after.

"Can I get you some water, make you some tea or anything?"

She felt a lot better prior to throwing up at the precinct and her nap, but her stomach still didn't feel quite right and tea sounded perfect. But of course she wasn't going to let Fin know that.

"I'm fine. Fin, I-

"Oh are you now? I don't think there's a definition of 'fine' in the police manual, but if there was I'm pretty sure it wouldn't include acting weird and getting sick at work. And Liv said-

"I don't want to talk about Liv," she cut him off, crossing her arms and looking down at her carpet. God, she was acting like a five year old, but this was really none of Olivia and Fin's business and she just really wanted to be alone.

"Fine then. Let's not talk about Olivia. Let's talk about you."

"We're not talking about me either," she said flatly.

"Amanda, you trust me, right?"

"Fin, don't-

"Just answer the question."

"Yes, you're my partner. Of course I trust you."

"Then do you want to tell me what's going on with you?"

"I'm just sick is all. My neighbor who takes Frannie for me from time to time had the stomach flu last week and I must have caught it from her."

Frannie. She still needed to pick up Frannie later. She missed her earlier before she fell asleep on the couch. As pathetic as it was, she had been crying herself to sleep as of late and her dog's comfort and warmth made her feel a little bit less miserable.

"Maybe that's true, but that doesn't explain you freaking out on Benson when she was dropping you off earlier," he said, widening his eyes like he always did when he wanted her to explain herself.

"_Is everything alright, Amanda? I know you're not feeling well, but you haven't seemed like yourself lately."_

_Who was Olivia to be telling her that she hadn't been herself lately? Olivia didn't even know who she was. As far as Olivia Benson was concerned, she was just an annoying little blonde detective with a gambling addiction that she had the pleasure of dealing with because her unit was short staffed. And what was with the "Amanda?" Not that they ever were friends before, but since the whole gambling fiasco that her whole team somehow got involved with, her name had been a sharp, unforgiving "Rollins."_

"_Amanda?" she called, having not received a response from the younger woman._

"_Everything is fine, Sergeant."_

"_I know we're not on the best of terms, but-_

"_Don't," Amanda said coldly, before remembering she was speaking to her boss and quickly backtracked, "I'm sorry Sergeant, I shouldn't be rude. I just don't want you to feel like you have to treat me differently because… it doesn't matter. I know I'm not your favorite."_

_Damn it, she had stumbled. She couldn't let her boss know that her suspicions were correct, and that there was more going on than a simple stomach bug._

"_I was going to suggest that you talk to Fin about, or Nick, or even Barba. I have quite a tenure as a detective, Rollins, I know when something's up."_

_Amanda couldn't fully hold back the chuckle in her throat, and Olivia raised her eyebrows._

"_You don't think I'm a good detective, Rollins?"_

"_No, sergeant, I just thought it was funny that you mentioned Barba but not Carisi."_

"_Let's be reasonable, Rollins, you and I both know that you're not going to talk about anything personal to Carisi."_

_Both ladies started to laugh, and Amanda tentatively smiled at Olivia. She was a tough lady, but not one without a sense of humor. If only she hadn't messed up and made her boss hate her, because maybe they could have really gotten along. But all attempts at reconciliation were out the window when Olivia got ahold of how she had messed up this time._

"_I appreciate your concern, but really I'm fine. It's just a little bug."_

"_You're lying to me."_

"_Sergeant-_

"_For God's sake stop calling me Sergeant."_

"_Olivia, everything is fine," she said, before realizing that the car was parked and she was right in front of her apartment building, "I appreciate your concern and thank you for the ride home. I'll see you tomorrow."_

"_Rollins, we're not done here yet. You don't have to talk to me, but promise you'll talk to someone about whatever it is that's going on with you. You're not back in my good graces yet, but I hate to see you so high strung."_

_She debated agreeing and then not following through just to end the conversation, but she was Amanda Rollins. She never admitted to anything in her life being anything less than perfect._

"_Nothing is wrong, sergeant, I mean Olivia. Everything is fine and I'm just going to go sleep this bug off. Thank you for the ride."_

"_If everything is fine, then why are your eyes watering?"_

_Damn it. She had been turned into an overly emotional, weak, crying person as of late and she hated it. Hastily wiping her eyes, she bid Olivia one final goodbye, before panicking and running from the car. She ignored her name being called, rushing up the stairs to her apartment and collapsing on her couch in yet another fit of tears._

"Did Liv tell everyone?" she asked quietly, hoping and praying that her boss hadn't passed on the word of her little meltdown to Nick.

"If you're worried that she told Amaro, don't be. She only told me. But by any chance does your avoidance of Amaro have anything to do with this? Because say the word and I will kick his ass."

"I haven't been avoiding Nick."

"Bullshit. He didn't say what went down but he mentioned that you two had a little spat and I've noticed that you try your hardest not be in the same room as him, and when you have to be you won't even look him in the eye. He's a handsome guy, Amanda, there's no reason to be avoiding his face."

"Ok fine we had a little fight. He ran into me at a bar and I had a little too much to drink. But we made up. Everything's fine between me and Nick."

_Yeah, everything is fine. We're only not speaking to each other, and my period is a week late and I'm nauseated all the time so I'm probably pregnant but I refuse to find out for sure, but other than that everything is fine_, she thought to herself, trying her best to keep her body language even to keep from revealing anything further to her partner.

"Ok, so you and Amaro are fine. But I know something's up, and I'm not leaving until I find out exactly what it is."

Fin's face was as hard and cold as stone, and she knew that he would keep his word. A part of her wanted to tell him the truth, but she didn't know if she was physically capable of uttering the words out loud. She was about to make one last final attempt at getting him to leave her apartment when all of the sudden his face changed. He looked as if all the puzzle pieces in his head had suddenly came together, leading him to a horrifying epiphany.

_Oh god. Oh no. Oh god. He's figured it out. He knows I'm-_

"Amanda, did Patton ever hurt you?"


	3. One Step Forward, Two Steps Backward

_**Author's Note: **__Thank you for all the love for this story! It's been brewing in my head for quite some time and I finally decided to give it a go. This was a pretty quick turnover time for an update, and hopefully they'll be another update before the weekend because my university has been hit by a bit of a snowstorm and I've had classes cancelled today and have been told there's no class tomorrow, either. I'm from the south so I'm not really a big fan of snow, but hey, a break from class is always welcomed. _

Amanda groaned, rolling over in bed to bitterly slam off her alarm clock taunting her from her bed stand. She winced at the sharp pain in her breasts from rolling over on them. Her breasts always ached before she got her period, but this was a whole different level of pain from her routine soreness and her period was still absent. Never before in her life had she ever wanted her monthly cycle to be upon her so badly.

She remembered being 15 and panicking because after having sex for the first time her period was a few hours later than she expected it. Granted, she knew that it was damn near impossible that she could've been pregnant based on the timing of it all, but it had still freaked her out. She had never had another pregnancy scare, not until now. And she was pretty sure that this one wasn't a scare; it was a real pregnancy.

Shaking her head in an attempt to physically shake those thoughts out of her mind, she begrudgingly got herself out of bed. God, she did not want to go to work today. She hadn't been able to sleep the night before, not with Fin's words from the night before ringing in her ears.

"_Amanda, you have to tell Barba."_

Yes, she had to. But no, she did not want to. She owed Reese Taymor that much, and somewhere deep down she figured that she owed herself that much, too. However, the timing of Patton forcing himself back into her life could not have been any more inopportune.

She suddenly felt sick, whether it be due to whatever may or may not be happening in her body, Charles Patton, or possibly both. Sighing, she was able to will away the urge to vomit. She was pretty sure her body didn't have anything to throw up, regardless. The stress and what was likely to be morning sickness had really done a number on her appetite, and most of what she was able to force herself to eat ended up coming back up.

Amanda quickly got dressed, made herself some tea, and headed out the door, simultaneously both not wanting to be late to work and wanting to be late more than anything in the world. _You can do this, _she chanted to herself over and over again as she made her way to work.

Naturally, the first person she (literally) ran into at work was none other than Detective Nick Amaro.

"Sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going," she mumbled quietly, immediately moving to walk away from him when a hand on her shoulder stopped her dead in her tracks.

"Amanda," he said softly and she turned to look at him.

He stared at her intently and opened his mouth to speak, before seemingly changing her mind. _No, _she cried internally. She needed him to be the one to break the silence. She needed him to take the initiative to repair the damage that she had done. Sure, it was selfish, but with everything weighing down on her at the moment and her fierce instinct to retreat into herself, she knew that nothing was going to get fixed unless he started to build the bridge.

"Are you uh… are you feeling better?"

He had finally spoken, seemingly going with a much safer route than he had originally planned on. As much as she just wanted to run away, Amanda knew that she needed to keep the conversation going.

"Not really," she said honestly, hoping he would probe her further. He took a good look at her and noticed the mug of tea in her hands, a stark contrast to the usual large cup of coffee from her favorite coffee shop a few blocks from the precinct that she usually carried with her every morning.

"If you're still not feeling well maybe you should take today off. I'm sure Liv would understand. "

"I'm fine," she said instinctually, finding it both sad and a little bit impressive that it was pretty much a reflex at this point.

Apparently the words "I'm fine" were the wrong answers in Nick's book. His face immediately flashed in anger and Amanda raised her hands up in surrender, signaling that she didn't want to fight anymore. Not only did she not want to fight anymore, she _needed_ to not be fighting with him anymore.

"You know what, Rollins? Why don't you wait to talk to me until you're not going to lie to me anymore. I am so sick of… forget it. I'll see you later."

"Nick," she called out, with a little more desperation in her voice than she cared to reveal to him. She hated to show any and all vulnerability to him, but that's just how she was with the people she cared about. And she happened to care about him a lot.

"What, Detective Rollins? How can I help you?"

_Detective Rollins._

"I umm… you can go to hell."

Before Amanda could dig her own grave even deeper, a different man's voice called out to her.

"Rollins, Fin suggested I speak with you. Do you have a minute?"

_This was going to take more than a couple of minutes, Barba_.

"Yes," she sighed, before quickly turning on her and leaving a fuming Nick in the dust. Only he could make her relieved to be summoned to Barba's office to talk about her being raped.

That relief vanished as soon as they reached is office and he closed the door, however. It suddenly hit her that all of this was real. It was happening. Chief Patton had raped her. Chief Patton had raped again. This was happening. She would have to face him in the court room. The horror in her life just kept on multiplying.

Olivia eventually came into the room and she had to recount her story once more. Fin knew, Olivia knew, Barba knew, and soon Nick would have to know. _Nick would have to know something else, too._

When she was finally done telling her story after what felt like an eternity, but was probably no more than an hour Olivia told her to take the rest of the day off and offered her another ride home. Amanda shook her head and quickly got up from her seat, longing to be free of her coworkers and the precinct, but got overwhelmingly dizzy for a brief moment and had to grip the table in front of her.

"Rollins?" Barba asked, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I just got up a little too fast."

"Let me give you that ride home, ok?"

"Olivia, really I'm-

"That wasn't an offer, that was an order. I have some things I need to finish up on really quickly but I'll meet you at your desk in about ten minutes."

"Okay, Sergeant," she mumbled, reluctantly making her way back to her desk. A few seconds after she sat down she felt a presence looming over her.

"You good, Amanda?"

"I'm okay, Fin."

"I gotta warn you, I think Amaro put two and two together. I didn't tell him anything but-

"Me, Liv, and Barba discussing information about a case against my former police chief really doesn't leave much up for interpretation. I get it. It was only a matter of time."

"You did the right thing, Amanda."

"Can I be alone right now? Liv's taking me home in a few minutes."

"Okay," he sighed, "but feel free to call me if you need anything. And by anything, I mean _anything_. You got that, Rollins?"

"Yes, I've got it," she said, shooting him a half smile.

She wasn't going to end up calling him, but the gesture in itself was somewhat comforting. There were quite a few things that she needed, but too much of her feelings and secrets had already been thrown out into the light. This wasn't fair. None of this was fair. She had kept the story of her and Patton quiet for a reason, and it seemed unbelievably cruel that she didn't get the choice to keep it that way anymore.

"I heard Liv's giving you a ride home again," came a quiet, timid voice.

"Go away, Detective Amaro," she spit venomously.

Oh no. No. He did NOT get to come back again and swoop in at her moment of weakness. Especially not after his tone with her this morning. If he didn't want anything to do with her before, he didn't get to have anything to do with her now that she was bleeding out for everyone to see. He always wanted to save her, to fix her. Well he didn't get to now.

"Amanda-

"Leave."

"Was that what you were trying to tell me earlier?"

His voice was quavering, his eyes full of regret. He felt guilty for being so cold towards her. For a moment, she considered asking him to give her a ride home instead of Olivia. She considered sitting him down in her living room and having the discussion they so desperately needed to have. But then she saw something else in him, something that pushed her over the edge: pity.

She paused, before telling a lie that she knew might never be forgiven when the truth eventually came out.

"Yes."

_**Author's Note Two: **__SORRY. _


	4. There It Is

Being a sexual assault survivor herself, Olivia seemed to understand Amanda's desperate need to be alone after recounting her story for the first time in years and left her alone in her apartment without protest. But not before making it clear that she was only a phone call away if she needed anything. Amanda had heard a lot of similar reassurances lately.

Sighing, she flopped down on the couch emphatically, exhausted physically and emotionally. She hadn't been sleeping very well, courtesy of the stress she had been under, and when she was awake she couldn't stomach the smell of coffee. Normally, Amanda loved coffee. Along with near-unbreakable emotional strength and the ability to compartmentalize, caffeine was what made being an SVU detective possible. But Amanda likely knew that the reason she hadn't been able to enjoy coffee lately was the exact reason she shouldn't be drinking it, or only drinking one cup a day. She didn't really know the rule about pregnancy and caffeine because she never expected to be pregnant.

It wasn't that Detective Rollins disliked kids or even was adamant on not having them herself, she just never actively planned for it. Some women just seemed to _know_ that one day they would have a husband (or wife, now that she was in New York. Atlanta was still pretty hush hush on gay rights), but Amanda never really had the drive to settle down in that sense.

She didn't necessarily _not_ want a kid, but she didn't necessarily truly want one either; and she figured that motherhood was an all hands on deck sort of thing.

_She had to know for sure._

There was a tiny convenience store just a block from her apartment that she could walk to. It was sleazy and grossed her out and she generally tried to avoid it at all costs, but her panic-aided refusal to know was suddenly replaced with an all-consuming need to know if she was pregnant with her coworker's child or not as soon as humanly possible.

As she briskly walked out into the cold she immediately regretted not bringing a jacket, having frantically grabbed her wallet and nothing else as she rushed out of her apartment. Between her suddenly jumping up from the couch, running around the flat, and slamming the door shut, her poor Frannie girl must have been terrified.

Her owner was terrified, too.

She was going to have to testify against the monster who drove her away from her home in Atlanta, forcing her victimhood out into the open, and she about to find out if she pregnant with Nick Amaro's child. What if she was pregnant? What was she going to tell Nick? What was she going to tell Olivia? What was she going to do about it if she was pregnant?

All those were thoughts running through her mind as her shaking hands feebly grasped a boxed pregnancy test from the shelf in front of her.

Part of her wanted to abandon her message right then, and retreat back into not knowing. She could just leave the store and go back to sitting in her apartment, hoping that it was stress that was keeping her period away and a stomach bug that was messing with her digestive system.

But in her heart she knew that delaying the test wouldn't make the problem go away if she wasn't pregnant. She had a funny habit of pushing things down and trying to forget them, hoping that it would resolve all her issues. _That's how you've gotten yourself into every mess you've ever been in, Amanda_. She knew that for the first time since Atlanta, she needed to face the problem head on.

That conviction is what gave her the strength to take the test to cashier, albeit while avoiding eye contact, and to take it with her out of the store. On the way there, the cold had been bothersome and undesirable, but as she walked back to her apartment, it was almost as if it was cheering her on. It kept her walking quickly back to her home, forcing the air to gasp in and out of her lungs, and keeping her from breaking down on the sidewalk in unadulterated panic.

Two minutes.

_Two minutes_.

She couldn't even be in the bathroom while she waited. She paced back and forth in her living room, Frannie's eyes curiously following her every step, with her eyes glued to the timer on her phone? Was it even working? Of course it was, the number on the clock was going down with every second. But when did a single second become so tortuously long?

As she waited, everything she felt guilty for in her entire life ripped through her mind. Was this punishment? If she was pregnant, was it because of everything she had done wrong? She shouldn't have slept around in Atlanta. She never should have started gambling. She shouldn't have let Patton…

Amanda didn't believe in God, but she knew that Nick did. What if Nick was right? What if Catholicism was true and God was looking down at her, watching her squirm and antagonize over everything she could have done to antagonize said God? Was he real and laughing at her?

No, no. Amanda wasn't going to become religious because of this. Pregnancy was a natural thing that happens sometimes even with protection for natural, biological reasons. Amanda respected Nick's beliefs but she wasn't going to change her own to cope with whatever that damn test was going to tell her in twenty four more seconds.

Nick's beliefs. He was Catholic. They had never talked about it before, but he probably was against abortion. Did she want an abortion if she was pregnant? Not really, but she didn't really want to be pregnant either. She had so many questions and none of the answers-

Well, she had one answer. The shrill ringing of her phone's timer brought her out of her head.

She couldn't. She couldn't go look. Her life might be changed forever.

But if she was pregnant, her life had already changed, and it was simply a matter of when she decided to find out for sure. Taking a deep breath in, she summoned up the will she had in the convenience store. She was going to change; she was going to be a woman who dealt with her problems head on.

_It was now or never_.

Holding her breath, she walked back into the bathroom. Not looking, her hands fumbled around on the counter until she had the test in her hands.

_3,_

_2,_

_1._

Pregnant. She was pregnant. In the back of her mind, she had already known, but she hadn't been forced to fully accept it.

She, Amanda Rollins, was pregnant and she had already lied about it to the child's father. Technically, she hadn't been 100% sure just an hour earlier, but she had been dishonest and she knew it.

Tears were streaming down her face as she went back to her phone, trying to figure out who to call. As independent as she liked to be, especially in times of pain and uncertainty, no fiber of her being wanted to be alone at that moment.

She knew Fin would stay quiet for her, or at least quiet in terms of his words. His fist would probably not remain quiet to Nick's face. He wasn't protective of her in the way to Nick was… used to be, but he was still her partner and she knew that he cared for her.

Her finger was hovering over the call button when her phone lit up and buzzed, alerting her to an incoming call. She wasn't thinking when she answered the call, or looking at the caller ID, she just needed to be talking to someone…

"Detective Rollins," she said weakly, not even attempting to conceal the crack in voice.

"Rollins, are you alright? I was just calling to tell you that it was hard, but I was able to get you approved as a witness. You'll be testifying tomorrow morning. It might be easier for you if we run through your testimony beforehand. I know Olivia sent you home, but-

"Can you come over?" she blurted it out, taking both her and Barba by surprise. She knew she needed to go over her testimony, but there was no way she could risk seeing Nick again that day. She knew she had to tell him, and possibly Olivia depending on what she chose to do with her predicament, but she just _needed_ to be away from the two of them until the next day.

"What?"

"I don't want… I just can't go back today. I can't see…" she trailed off, dissolving into sobs.

"Rollins, can you hear me? Can you try to breathe for me? I'm going to send Olivia-

"NO, no… please just don't," she cried, desperately trying to regain so much composure. She was absolutely _horrified_ that all her emotion was spilling out to the ADA, but her body could not physically hold so much emotion inside any longer and he happened to call her at that instant.

"Ok, ok, fine. I'll come. Just please don't do anything stupid Rollins, ok?"

"Ok," she sniffled.

"I'll be there in… wait. Rollins, where do you even live? I don't know where you live. Don't do anything stupid, God please don't do anything stupid. I'm on my way just tell me where you are."

She relayed her address to him and reassured him, albeit with her voice still unstable and wavering, that she would be alright until he got there. She felt guilty for scaring Barba so badly, knowing that given the only details about why she was falling apart, she would jump to some bad conclusions, too.

_**Author's Note: **__So I realize Barba would only come before in Carisi in who Amanda would want to talk to in the situation, but it's not really her wanting to talk to him, it's about her being an emotional volcano about to burst and him calling her at exactly the right (or wrong) moment. Also, who knows how much she'll tell him?_


	5. Madalena

Rafael Barba prided himself in being an overall good person and a damn good ADA, but neither of those attributes were of any to him as she tried to figure out how to console his crying colleague.

This is why he had wanted to send Olivia over to her apartment instead.

But alas, Rollins had so ardently objected and the pain and utter desperation shooting out of her voice had hit him in his chest, piercing through his ever tough exterior. Sure he wasn't tough in the sense that Fin and Amaro were, but prosecuting special victims crimes required a certain kind of strength. One had to be sensitive enough to the victims' pain for the motivation to perform a job that routinely exposed him to the most heinous of horrors, but distanced enough to keep all the damage and hurt from flooding him.

Something in the crack of Rollins' voice would not allow him to keep his usual distance. In a weird way he considered her to be his friend. While he had grown closer to the detectives, he still was understandably a bit of an outsider to the group. But he had grown accustomed to the blonde haired girl's eagerness; she was the only one on the squad who could, on occasion, match his level of energy.

Seeing her tears flow down her cheeks and hearing the air harshly gasp in and out of her lungs was a little too much for him.

"Rollins," he called, hoping that she would acknowledge him for the first time since she had opened the door to let him in.

She didn't. Sighing, he tried again.

"Amanda."

Her head snapped up, surprised at hearing the ADA use her first name. The shock slowed and softened her sobs for a moment, allowing the man standing a few feet away from her to capitalize on her attention.

"Amanda, can I sit down on the couch with you?"

Noticing her gaze turn stone cold, he quickly backtracked.

"I'm not asking you because I'm treating you like a victim now, but because I was wondering if you were willing to talk now."

"I don't want to talk… I-I'm sorry I made you come out here. I knew you wanted to rehearse my testimony but I just couldn't go back in a-and you just called at the wrong moment and-

"Breathe, Rollins. We don't have to go through your testimony right now, but I don't quite feel comfortable leaving you alone," he said, sitting down on the couch so that there was still a comfortable distance between the two of them.

"I wasn't lying to you on the phone. I'm not going to do anything stupid."

"Good. You should never lie to an attorney, even when you're not under oath."

Amanda rolled her eyes but couldn't keep but chuckle at Barba's joke. He was certainly an interesting guy. One day, when all of the mess that was her life was a little bit more tidied up, she would let him know how much she appreciated him trying to make her laugh in one of her darkest hours.

"Can I ask you a question, Rollins?"

She didn't respond, just looking down at her hands folded up in her lap as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. Still, she didn't say know, so Barba decided to press onward.

"Why were you so against Benson coming over? Not that I mind being here, but you know her so much better and I presumed that you'd be more comfortable with her."

There was no response again.

"Even when there's no judge to _make_ you, you should still answer all of an attorney's questions."

"I want a lawyer."

Damn it, she was going to make this harder than it needed to be. He had heard from the other detectives that she could be very adamant about keeping her personal life private, but he had never seen her in action. _Treat her like a difficult witness, Barba. Figure out why she's being difficult and go from there._ _And if that doesn't work, well then you'll have to subpoena her to the court of Olivia Benson. _

But he didn't want it to get that far- he wanted to earn her trust, or at least some of it.

He decided to follow his first instinct. He didn't know Amanda very well, but he had a hunch.

"I have an idea," he said simply, earning a glance and a raising of an eyebrow from the woman sitting across from him.

"This isn't a fair game, right?" he continued, "I know some personal stuff about you now but you still know nothing about me."

"Barba, whatever game you're trying to play is not going to work. I'm not your witness… at least I'm not until tomorrow morning at ten."

"I'm not playing a game, Rollins. What if I tell you something that's hard for me to talk about?"

"That would be nice and all, but it doesn't mean I have to tell you anything."

"Fair enough. I'm just going to make us even."

"What, are we twelve again? I'm testifying against my _rapist_ tomorrow, and you want to play some funny little game to be even with each other? Save it."

"Amanda, do you know who you remind me of?"

He took a deep breath. He never talked about her. Nobody in the special victims unit knew her story and he hadn't recounted it in years. He was only doing this because he sensed that Amanda needed his support more than he needed his security.

"I don't know and I don't really care," she mumbled.

"You remind me of my sister."

"You have a sister?" she asked, catching his eye with her glance finally free of animosity.

"I had a sister," he said quietly, fighting back the tears beginning to sting at the back of his eyes. She would always be a bruise on her heart and thinking her name would always hurt, but he had to tell her story without breaking down. Rollins needed his strength, not a joint crying session.

"I-I'm so sorry. What-

"Her name was Madalena. She wasn't my biological sister, she was the daughter of my godmother. But she _felt_ like my sister. She was my sister. She was there for everything… we grew up together. She was the smartest person I knew, won all the spelling bees and was the only reason I passed pre-algebra. She was motivated, compassionate, and very driven. As I said, she was a lot like you. She was really going somewhere. She just had _so much_ potential, but…"

"But?" Amanda prompted softly, the silence having grown uncomfortable. Her eyes were starting to water again, greatly moved by the aching love in every word Barba spoke. He was not playing a game with her, he was pulling the bandaging off a stinging wound for her sake.

"Madalena… Madalena had a problem. She was gay, which wasn't a problem in itself, but my godmother was very much a fundamentalist Christian. Madalena's mother was very vocal about how being gay was a sin. She didn't know her daughter was a lesbian, of course, for obvious reasons. My sister spent her whole life worrying about her mother found out. But she was brave, like you, and had a secret girlfriend and did whatever she wanted to do outside of the house. She felt so free when she was out from under that roof, that one day she decided that she couldn't do it anymore and so she ran."

"She ran away? And you never found her? You could always try again now. What with the internet it shouldn't be too hard to-

"Rollins, we found her. But we found her dead. Teenage runaways are especially susceptible to the sadistic rapists and murderers at large on the streets."

"Oh god. Barba, I'm so sorry. I had no idea… I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry and I know we tell that to families all the time and that it doesn't fix anything, but I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, Rollins. I felt so guilty over Madalena… I thought that if maybe I encouraged her to talk to her mother more that she wouldn't have ran. The note that she left the night she disappeared didn't have an explanation beyond the fact that she 'couldn't do it anymore,' so in a fit of guilt I told her mother the truth."

"How did she react?"

"Her dad took over the funeral planning. Her mother didn't show up to her own daughter's funeral. Why do you think I do what I do?"

"Barba…" she trailed off, at a loss for words. How could a mother feel so callously for her own child? Her own child that died partially because she was not fully accepted by one of her own parents? Wasn't parenting supposed to be all about unconditional love?

Her hand instinctually went to her stomach. God, she was so damaged, but she knew that if she went through with the pregnancy, that she would love her child no matter what. But was love enough? Was she cut out to be a mother?

"Barba… I… if you still want to know, I think I'm ready to tell you why I didn't want to be around Olivia today."

He met her eyes, nodding at her for her to continue. His face was stricken with sadness, but also hopeful for her to open up to him. _He was a good man_, she thought to herself, _this is a good friend to have._

"Barba, I-I'm pregnant. And I'll probably have to tell Olivia at some point and I've already messed up so much with her… and I know I don't have to tell her right away, but I just found out today and I just needed to not be around her."

_Or Nick_, but he didn't need to know that before Nick himself knew he had fathered another child.

"You're pregnant?" he asked, eyes widened and incredulousness clear in his voice.

That was the least thing he expected.

Amanda nodded, before fixing her eyes on the floor, suddenly feeling very embarrassed again. Had Barba really just become the first person she had told about her pregnancy? It was _Barba_. He had just confessed a huge part of himself to her, but she still didn't know if he was the best person to confide in regarding her predicament.

"Wow, everything seems to be hitting you all at once."

She shot him the iciest look she could garner up, before bursting into laughter upon seeing that damn patented Rafael Barba smirk on his face. He wasn't trying to piss her off, he was just being his usual smartass self despite the gravity of the matters they had been discussing.

Barba was still Barba, even in times of crisis. She never expected to find that so reassuring.

"You can say that again," she sighed, "but I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do."

"Olivia had mentioned that you got sick yesterday, but after you told me about what happened with Patton this morning I just assumed it was stress."

"Well that's probably not helping the whole eating situation. I can't even look at food."

"Hey! You need to be eating, Rollins. I did not work so hard to get your testimony approved just for you to pass out at the stand tomorrow!"

She rolled her eyes.

"I'm not going to pass out at the stand, Barba."

"Sure you're not. I hope you know that I'm going to make sure that you eat something before I leave your apartment today. Don't think I didn't notice your little dizzy spell that made Olivia send you home in the first place."

"How sweet of you," she said sarcastically.

"But in all seriousness, you don't have to tell me who the guy is if you don't feel comfortable, but is the father-

"He doesn't know yet. I only found out for sure right before you called me."

"Do you think he's going to support you?"

"I… I think he might have some strong views on abortion. But he's a good guy. A really good guy. Hell, he's definitely not perfect, but he's a lot better than I am."

"I, uhh, I'm glad then."

Sensing that they were now heading back into awkward territory, Amanda decided to bite the bullet and get back to why he was originally over at her apartment in the first place. Utilizing all her courage, she timidly volunteered to run through her testimony.

So they did, twice. She cried some more, but nothing like that unabashed sobs erupting from her chest when Barba had first come over, and they were both immensely grateful for that.

He eventually left to go assure Fin, Olivia, and Nick that her testimony was ready to go and that she was alright, all of them having witnessed him rush out the door calling out that he was heading over to Amanda's, but not before fixing her a sandwich.

She had to eat, because there was no passing out at his witness stand.

(Or just because he cared about her as a person and as a friend, but neither of them were into expressively stating those kinds of things, so he figured implying it with a sandwich was more than enough.)

_**Author's Note: **__I've always felt that Barba and Rollins would make great friends, so I decided to write that into this story. Also, Nick will be back in the next chapter._


	6. Testimony

Amanda Rollins had a plan.

So much of her life lately had been unplanned and out of her control, but she was going to take back some of that control. All her life she had a penchant for "dealing" with her problems by running from them and hoping they'd disappear, only for them to come back and knock her down out of nowhere.

But not anymore. She wanted to change. Patton forcing his way back into her life and the fact that she was now carrying her ex flame's child and had made her realize that her old ways only came back to hurt her.

(To be fair, her pregnancy was more than likely a matter that was solely biological and not a karmic repercussion for not properly dealing with her feelings towards herself and Nick, but it still served as a hell of a wakeup call.)

She wasn't going to hide the truth from Nick anymore, at least not after the current day had passed.

Her plan was to head to the courtroom, testify in front of _everyone _(the jury, Patton, Liv, Fin, Carisi, Nick), and then to head home to wallow and cry in peace. She would tell Nick about their little situation the following day.

Olivia Benson could hardly handle the emotions that coursed through her as Detective Rollins shakily stood up from her seat and walked up to take the stand. She could tell that the blonde detective was trying her best to give off an air of confidence and composure, but she saw right through it. Sure, Rollins had the benefit of her attacker not representing himself to torture her like William Lewis did, but she knew the unique horror of having to relive one's assault on the stand all too well.

Olivia caught the junior detective's eye and nodded, trying to give her a reassuring presence in the room. She hoped that her, Carisi, Fin and Nick's solidarity in the court for her provided her some measure of comfort.

But from her own experience, she knew that it probably didn't do too much for her.

_You can do this, Amanda_, she thought, desperately hoping the other woman was in tune with her telepathic wavelength.

Therapy had helped Olivia tremendously, but she couldn't help but flashback to her own personal nightmares as Amanda recounted her horror story. She had healthily processed her emotions to the point that victims on the stand only evoked those demons if their injuries or stories were particularly close to hers, but something about Amanda taking the stand just felt so personal to her.

No, she didn't fully trust Amanda again, but she didn't think she was a bad person or a bad detective either, and Deputy Chief Patton's imprint on her life made some of her actions more clear. Some of the most wonderful people in life end up doing the most damage to others because of the damage to themselves, and she had a feeling that Detective Rollins fell under that category.

She was a good, dedicated cop who never meant to hurt anyone or let her life fall from out of her hands. And as Amanda healed, Olivia hoped to heal their relationship with each other, too.

"He hit my head against the bed stand… I was bleeding," Amanda said, just loudly enough for it to be heard beyond the stand. Olivia easily recognized the rush of fear bleeding into her voice. They both knew what was coming next.

"And then what happened?" Barba asked, with a hint of just barely detectable regret.

Olivia felt her blood run cold and could hear her heartbeat pulsating in her head. This was it. The seconds between the question and the answer tightened her chest to the point of her nearly screaming, pleading with Amanda to just answer the question already.

"And then he raped me."

It was a punch in the gut, even though she knew it was coming. Amanda angrily wiped at the tears that had betrayed her by leaving her eyes, and sensing her embarrassment, Olivia tore her eyes away from her to look at the men that were on either side of her.

Fin was seething, squeezing his hands in his lap with his eyes fixed on Patton. She knew he wouldn't jeopardize the trial by lunging at him, but she couldn't help but briefly fantasize about him leaving his seat and beating Patton to a pulp. She knew that as a member of the police force that she shouldn't be thinking like that, but this was about someone had done to Amanda damn it, and the man deserved to pay an unimaginable price.

She turned her head to Nick, expecting to see matching if not more enflamed anger. The man was a lot like her former partner: Catholic, caring, and having a fiery temper. They were too different people, but sometimes she couldn't help but see her partner and be reminded of Elliot. She wondered if Elliot knew someone that reminded him of her in return.

The anger that she expected to see and feel radiating off of Nick was _definitely_ there. But there was something else, too. Something more personal than wanting to beat the shit out of Charles Patton. There was pain in his face, pain that suggested that Amanda's was his own.

Nick's outside mirrored what Olivia felt on the inside. She doubted that Nick had been sexually assaulted himself, not that men were never victims of sexual assault, but because he was her partner and was generally pretty open with her and she figured he would have at least hinted at it by now. His (ex?) wife was in the military, maybe she had been assaulted overseas?

Or maybe the simple fact that it was Amanda Rollins on the stand was what made it so personal for him.

Olivia had long suspected that the bond between Amanda and Nick ran deep, and was probably straddling the line of what was and wasn't condoned by the NYPD. She didn't think they had ever consummated their relationship into something that was _officially_ against regulations, but she knew that there was something there that was different from her Nick and Amanda and Fin.

Perhaps she should be more vigilant in making sure that it doesn't bloom into something that they might take too far, but their relationship was the one thing that Olivia Benson ever gave Detective Rollins the benefit of the doubt on.

She couldn't say that she had never been guilty of something of a similar nature.

Olivia did her best to tune out the defense attorney laying into her colleague, asking why she hadn't come forward before, and probing the blonde detective about her character.

She knew the importance of the due process and the principle of innocent until proven guilty, but in cases like these where the right and wrong were so clear, she didn't understand how defense attorneys could be so cruel to the clear victims of the matter.

"Miss Rollins, you may return to your seat."

The judge's voice brought Olivia back from her tangent. The defense had finished questioning her, and she had been dismissed to return back to her seat, but she hadn't moved. Amanda looked very pale, and though she was a few feet away, Olivia thought she appeared to be slightly shaking.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must h-have zoned out for a moment," Amanda stammered, before taking a shaky step away from the stands. She didn't look very stable on her feet and Olivia's breath was caught in her throat as Barba moved forward to help her.

Amanda took a few more hesitant steps forward before her legs buckled. Barba rushed forward and managed to catch her arm so that her fall was softened, but he could not stop her from falling to the ground.

Her eyes were glassy and fluttering as she barely clung to consciousness. For a moment, everyone seemed to be frozen in shock.

Fin was the first to snap out of it, rushing forward to his partner, and telling Barba to step back and call an ambulance.

"Come on Amanda, keep your eyes open, stay with me," he urged her. He knew that she was clearly breathing and not in cardiac arrest, but he let his fingers feel her pulse on his neck just to be sure. It was a little low for his liking, but it still provided him some comfort.

"At least it wasn't at the stand," Barba muttered, earning a glare from Olivia who hadn't been there for the referenced conversation the day before.

Taking matters into her own hands, Olivia dialed 911 herself as the judge had everyone except for Amanda's coworkers to leave the room.

"No, she has no medical conditions that I know of," Olivia relayed to the phone operator, and Barba's head snapped up.

He wanted to allow Amanda to tell her boss about her pregnancy on her own terms, but this was her health at stake. Sure the hospital would immediately find out upon taking her blood, but what if something was wrong with the baby and every minute counted? He had to tell her so she could tell the 911 operator, but he would try to do it so that Nick, Sonny and Fin didn't overhear.

"Liv," he whispered urgently.

"What Barba?"

"She's pregnant," he whispered back, hoping he would hear her and be able to quietly relay the information over the phone.

"I can't hear you, Barba, and whatever it is I probably don't have time for it," she snapped back, frustration in her voice. What was he trying to accomplish? They were all just trying to take care of Amanda at the moment.

"Rollins is pregnant," he said again, raising his voice ever so slightly.

Olivia's head turned to face him immediately, her eyes wide.

"Are you being serious?"

"Yes, I'm being completely serious right now. Don't ask me how I know, just tell the 911 operator."

Fin couldn't hear their conversation having been focused on Amanda who was kneeling besides a couple of feet away from them, and Carisi couldn't either, having been awkwardly hanging back a bit in the back corner of the courtroom. He hadn't known Amanda as long, and while he certainly hoped she was alright, he didn't feel comfortable engaging in the situation when there were people whom she trusted much more in the room with them.

But Nick had heard half of the little exchange, and was pulled out of the panic in his head over Amanda. What did Barba know and why was it important for the paramedics to know?

Liv was speaking carefully and quietly, but he still heard her next words.

"I know I said she had no preexisting medical conditions, but I have just been told on good authority that she's pregnant."


	7. Waiting Game

Rollins was pregnant? How did Olivia miss it? Or had she only been keeping her secret in the short term? How pregnant was she? And how the hell did Barba know about it before she did? The man was smart but he had significantly less contact with Rollins and as far as she knew they definitely weren't close enough for him to be her confidant?

"Barba, can I have a word with you?"

Barba nodded his head and rose from his seat, his expression showing that he had been expecting this conversation.

"Olivia?"

Barba had stood up and motioned to go off into a more private corner to chat with Olivia, but she hadn't moved and was blankly staring at the chairs of the hospital chairs in front of her.

_Where was Amaro? Hell, even Carisi was there for Amanda. _

Amaro had said he'd meet them at the hospital, but he was still nowhere to be found. What if he had gotten in a car crash and there was another emergency? With everything that had been happening with Amanda even prior to her incident after taking the stand, Olivia wasn't sure if the team could handle another hit to the team's morale. Amara had to have been fine, and he had to have a good reason for not being at the hospital yet.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I must have zoned out for a minute."

The two of them walked briskly away from Fin and Carisi who were still anxiously sitting in their chairs, watching Olivia and Barba curiously. What did they have to discuss that they couldn't hear? Was Liv going to harangue Barba for going too hard on Amanda at the stand?

"Barba, you know what I'm going to ask you."

"When I called Rollins to ask her to come back in to go over her testimony yesterday, she sounded very distressed over the phone. She was crying, hyperventilating. So I offered to send you over because I thought she'd be more comfortable with you, but she got even more upset when I suggested that, and I didn't know what else to do so I went over to her apartment."

"And did she tell you why she didn't want me to come over? And how long have you known that she's pregnant? It's not your responsibility to tell me that sort of thing but I'm trying to understand how you knew when I and seemingly no one else on the squad did."

"I didn't know until yesterday when I went over to apartment."

"And what happened there?"

"When I got there she was clearly very upset, and it wasn't just over Patton. She didn't want to talk at all at first, but eventually I got her to open up and she said that she had just found out she was pregnant. She knew she would have to tell you eventually, but Olivia, she had just found out and was panicking and I never would have known had I not been the one to call her first."

Olivia sighed, taking a moment to digest all the information that had just been poured into her brain. Rollins had only found out she was pregnant yesterday- right as she was in the midst of having to testify against her rapist. The poor woman couldn't catch a break.

"Did you end up going over her testimony yesterday?"

"Yes, and I can assure you I wouldn't have let her take the stand had she collapsed after we practiced yesterday."

"I assumed that much," Olivia muttered, "do you think she's alright?"

"I don't know anything about pregnancy, Benson, but it _is _Rollins. She'll be fine."

"And her baby?"

"She wasn't bleeding or in pain, so I don't think it was a miscarriage. But what do I know?"

"We should go back before Fin and Carisi follow us out here."

"I'm surprised they haven't already. By the way, do you have any idea where Amaro is?"

"None. He told me he'd meet us here and I keep checking my phone to see if he's called or texted me but nothing. I want to be pissed off at him for taking his sweet time when Amanda's health is possibly in danger, but I can't help but feel that something's off. It's no secret that Amaro is protective of Rollins, so why is not here harassing the doctors for not telling us anything yet?"

"I don't know, Olivia. I think the best we can do right now is give Nick the benefit of the doubt and try to focus on Amanda."

"You're right," she breathed "let's get back to them."

Unsurprisingly, Fin had something to say about the two of them sneaking off to have a private conversation and leaving him with Carisi.

"You guys know something that we should?"

"No, we don't know anything. I was just wondering if Amanda had said anything out of the ordinary to Barba when he was over at her apartment yesterday. And she didn't. Did a doctor come by while we were gone?"

"Nope, still nothing," Carisi sighed, "hey, where's Amaro? I was under the impression that the two of them were pretty close."

Olivia was about to answer that she had no idea where Nick was and that it was almost driving her crazier than waiting to hear about Amanda was, but a doctor came by and her attention was immediately averted.

"Are you all here for Amanda Rollins?"

"Yes," they all said anxiously, desperately wanting to know their colleague's condition.

"She's going to be fine. Her blood pressure was low, causing her to collapse. She passed out briefly in the ambulance but woke up again within her minutes. Her blood pressure is still a little on the low side, but other than that, her vitals are fine."

"So why was her blood pressure so low?" Fin asked, relieved that his partner was alright but concerned that there was more to her health scare than the stress of testifying against Patton.

"Most likely the physical ramifications of stress. She told us she hadn't been sleeping very well lately. Her labs all came back normal except for being mildly dehydrating. Lack of sleep and not being very well hydrated coupled with stress is enough to do it. Any questions?"

They had tested her blood, so they had to have known she was pregnant. But she also was not very far along so the doctor must have known that not all of her coworkers knew yet, and didn't want to spoil the surprise… if there was still a surprise. Olivia knew that she should play coy about Amanda's pregnancy until she was ready to tell her, but she also was anxious to know if the baby was alright.

"When can we see her?"

"She was actually asking for someone named Olivia?"

"That would be me," Olivia spoke up, standing and following the doctor's instructions back to Amanda's room. Why had Amanda asked to speak with her first? She was expecting her to request Fin or Nick before her. Maybe it was a good thing she hadn't asked for Nick. Maybe she wouldn't want his presence until he got to the hospital. Amanda didn't need to be worrying about anyone other than herself at the moment.

"Amanda? How are you feeling?"

She looked better than she had in court, but she still looked rather pale and week. She gave a nervous half smile, not completely meeting her boss's eye.

"Much better than I was about an hour ago. The doctor said I'll be good as new after a day or two of rest. I'm sorry for putting you all through that back there."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry that these past couple of days have been so stressful for you. I knew you had been sick, but if you were having that much trouble sleeping and calming down you could have told us. Maybe we could have helped you."

"Olivia, there's something else. I umm… I'm…" she trailed off, her courage waning as soon as it had come to her.

"Pregnant. I know. Barba had me tell the 911 operator."

"You know? Wait… does everyone else know? Does-

"As far as I know, no one heard me on the phone. I tried to be as quiet as possible. At this point in time I just think it's me and Barba."

"I know I should have told you before I told Barba, but I didn't even mean to tell him. I'm so sorry, Sergeant."

"Olivia. And you don't have to be sorry about that, either. You were in a rough spot and Barba just happened to be the one to contact you first. You were understandably under a lot of duress and I don't want you to feel guilty for reaching out for someone. I'm glad you told him."

"Thank you," Amanda mumbled quietly, avoiding eye contact with the other woman again as her hands played with the fabric of her hospital gown.

"Amanda, is the baby ok?"

"Yep, my recklessness did him or her no harm. I didn't know for sure until yesterday but I had a feeling and I knew I should have been taking better care of herself. I haven't even had the kid yet and I'm already being a terrible mother."

"Amanda, you're rapist forced himself back into your life out of nowhere and you had to testify against him. Coupled with just finding out you were pregnant, you were under distress that I can't even imagine. Don't beat yourself up about this. You and the baby are both going to be fine, so there's no use in antagonizing over it."

"I know, I know, but it's hard not to feel guilty."

"I understand that, but no one else is judging you, so why judge yourself?"

"I guess that makes sense."

"Do you know how far along you are?"

"Doctor's guess is about six weeks, so not very knocked up at all."

Olivia chuckled at how her detective chose to characterize it. She always did have respect for her sense of humor. Just as she was about to speak again, her phone went off in her pocket. She immediately reached for it, hoping that it was Nick or one of her other detectives alerting her that Nick had reached the hospital.

Seeing the caller ID flash the name Nick Amaro, she quickly excused herself from the room and stepped outside to answer his call, fuming.

"You have ten seconds to explain."

"Is Amanda ok?"

"That's not an explanation."

"Olivia-

"She's alright. Not enough sleep or enough food but she's going to be fine. Now where the hell are you?"

"With Cynthia at another hospital. I was heading over when she called me to say that Gil fell off the monkey bars at recess. He's fine minus a sprained wrist."

He was lying, but Olivia didn't know that. But he wasn't _completely_ lying. Gil had sprained his wrist, but it had been over the weekend and with the stress of Patton, Nick hadn't mentioned it to the squad yet.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you and I'm glad that Gil's ok. I'll send Amanda your well wishes. The doctor told me she can be discharged soon, and I'm going to have her go home with me and stay over until at least tomorrow to make sure she's taken care of."

"So… everything is fine with her?"

"Yes, everything is fine."

Nick didn't want to give away that he heard Olivia tell the paramedics that Amanda was pregnant, but he also desperately wanted to know if the baby was alright. Sighing, he reasoned that Olivia's tone would be much different if Amanda had a miscarriage, and it also would have been much different if she knew that he was the father. Everything was fine.

"Alright, tell her that I hope she feels better… and that I'll stop by to see her sometime before she's back at it."

"Got it. See you tomorrow, Nick."

"Bye."

Taking a deep breath, Nick garnered the courage to knock on the door before him.

A few seconds later, a very confused looking John Munch opened the door.


	8. Guidance

"To what do I owe the honor, Detective Amaro?"

Nick looked up at the older man, studying the inquisitive look on his face. He looked fearful, as if he knew that whatever Nick had come to see him about was going to require a lot of time and effort to require. He couldn't blame the man for being afraid; the last time Munch had come to his existence it had been because he lost his temper and beat the shit out of a suspect.

Munch was right to be suspicious of the younger man's presence, but not for the reasons that he expected. This wasn't an issue of Nick's temper, it was an issue of what Nick had been up to with his colleague.

"Munch, it's not what you think. I didn't beat anybody up this time," Nick sighed, avoiding eye contact with the former detective as he spoke.

"Well you've never dropped by here just because you enjoy my company."

"You remember Detective Rollins, right?"

"Of course. I may be old but my memory's not that bad yet. Besides, I couldn't forget her even if I wanted to. She's my former partner's partner and he talks about her all time. Shouldn't you be at the hospital right now? Fin didn't give me any details because it was his turn to go back and see her, but he mentioned something about her being in the hospital. Is she alright?"

Nick didn't answer at first, simply because he didn't know the answer to that question. Physically, she apparently needed some rest and some food (and don't think it hadn't crossed his mind that it should be probably be _him_ taking care of her, not Liv), but he had no idea what her emotional state was. She had been forced to testify about an assault that she had so desperately tried to deny with all her being, and now she was unexpectedly pregnant by a man whom she had a very ambiguous and tumultuous relationship with.

Did the fallout of their relationship really lead her to believe that she could tell Barba about her pregnancy, but not him? Had she ever even spoken to Barba outside of work? Nick knew he should've been at the hospital with her, but when he heard that Barba had known she was pregnant and he hadn't he had been so overcome with both shock and anger that he had found himself driving around aimlessly, before finally calling Liv and finding himself at Munch's place.

"Nick," Munch broke the silence warily, "what did you do?"

"I got her pregnant," he mumbled, so quietly that he wasn't sure if the man in front of him would be able to understand his words.

"Detective Amaro, did you just tell me that you got Detective Rollins PREGNANT? I figured that you had a thing for her but I didn't think you'd just completely throw the rules of the job out the window. Oh wait, you've done that before!"

Nick opened up his mouth to speak, but was quickly cut off by his mentor continuing to lay into him. He wanted to say that he didn't deserve it, but he knew that he did.

"Why aren't you at that damn hospital? You got a woman pregnant, and she passed out it court, and you're NOT at the hospital? Do you think this is a game Nick?"

"No, I don't think this is a game, but-

"No buts! You got Rollins pregnant, you should be there with her right now."

"She doesn't know that I know."

"What?"

"Barba told Liv to tell the 911 operator that she was pregnant. They don't know that I know, neither does Amanda, and Liv doesn't know that the baby's mine. I don't think Barba knows, either. Fin and Carisi have no idea that she's pregnant," he explained, fully aware of the absurdity of the situation for a group of detectives.

"Nick, I was an SVU detective for decades and also a third grader at some point in my life and I thought that I had heard it all in terms of he-said-she-said cases, but I think your little story there might have taken the cake. Good god what has happened to my department?"

"Munch, I need your help. I don't know what to do."

"Well for starters, you probably should be talking to Amanda about that… not that I don't want to help you. I'm sorry for you yelling at you, you just took me by a little bit of surprise."

"I deserved it. I know I should have gone to the hospital, but what would I have said? 'I heard Barba tell Liv that you're pregnant, and by the way, why did you tell Barba and not me?' We had been fighting, but did I really make her think that she couldn't come to me about something like this?"

"She could've only just found out. Maybe she hasn't been keeping this from you for very long. And Fin didn't give me all the details, but he did imply that this case was pretty tough on her. She could've been waiting to tell you until after."

"I think she was trying to tell me yesterday but I was dick to her. Not that it was completely unwarranted but… I think I could've handled it better. We had a fight and she kind of lost it on me, but I should've known… I don't want to say too much for the sake of her privacy. It's complicated."

"Yeah, I got that much."

Both men chuckled, shaking their heads at the depth of the situation. "Complicated" was a bit of an understatement. There was the fact that Rollins was pregnant and the obvious implications of that, then there was the broken relationship between her and the man who had gotten her pregnant, and finally, there was the fact that would Amanda and Nick had been doing was against NYPD regulations.

"I just… I don't want to be angry at her. I'm tired of being angry at her. But I can't understand why she told Barba for me. I get that we were fighting and why she might go to someone else first, but _Barba_? I didn't think they were even friends."

"Then they're probably not. Maybe he found out accidentally. Or maybe she wanted him to be prepared in case it somehow came out in court. I don't know Nick, but if doesn't make sense to you that she would tell him, she probably didn't tell him because she trusts him more than she trusts you. However terrified that you are, she probably feels that twice as much. Until you hear her side of this, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt."

Nick nodded, taking in Munch's perspective. Nick didn't trust his own head on this one- which is why he went to John. He trusted the man to provide him with some level-headed guidance, and he wasn't disappointed. The older man was right, Amanda and been to hell and back as of late, and knowing that she was pregnant by a man that she had an imploded relationship with probably hadn't been helping. He had to give her the benefit of the doubt until he got to talk to her himself.

"So what do I do now?"

"You give her some time. If she doesn't reach out to you in a few days, then you have to let her know that you know. But the two of you need to have a long talk, and I think it's only fair that you give her chance to initiate it."

"I'm worried sick about her and our situation. How am I supposed to stay away from her?"

"You managed to do it today."

Shit.

He deserved that. But it wasn't because he didn't care about her.

"It wasn't because I don't… I care about Amanda. I just found out and I-

"You needed time to think, and now you're going to give that same consideration to her. Within reason, of course. But I think you can give her a few days."

"Damn it, Munch, I think you're right."

"Of course I am. I'm old enough for that whole wisdom thing to have caught up with me."

"I should probably go check on Gil, you know, my second child with a second woman. He sprained his wrist over the weekend."

"Ouch. Tell him I hope he feels better. But before you go, can you ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Are you in love with her?"

Nick knew he wasn't talking about Cynthia.

"I'll see you later, Munch."

"Sometimes love is patience, Nick. I wish I had learned that sooner."


	9. Giving In

"Olivia, really I'll be fine on my own, you don't have to-

"Rollins, don't make me order you to come into my apartment."

Sighing, Amanda peered into the other woman's apartment. It looked much the same as when she was there celebrating Olivia passing the sergeant's exam, but now it was a bit messier. Which made perfect sense considering that Olivia now had a baby.

If Amanda had an apartment that was messier than Olivia's which housed a baby, what was her apartment going to look like if she decided to raise her kid? Probably like a tornado whenever Nick was not around to pick up after the three of them. He definitely was the clean freak of their relationship, which most of the time annoyed her to end. But even though she would always roll her eyes and pretend like it annoyed her, it always did bring butterflies to her stomach when he would make her bed the following morning after he slept over. He even did it the first time they slept together; they avoided eye contact and reassured each other that it was a one time thing as he straightened out her bedding.

"Amanda? Are you feeling dizzy again? Because I can take you back to the hospital again if you think you need it."

Realizing that she had been lost in her thoughts, Amanda promised Olivia that she was fine and just got a little distracted and entered the apartment. Her sergeant still ushered her into a chair at the kitchen table, saying that even if she felt better that she shouldn't push it, and should try to stay off of her feet for the next day or so. Amanda willed herself not to roll her eyes, not appreciating the extra care being shown her way.

Sure, she was pregnant and had passed out earlier today, but the fact that she probably needed to be looked after for a little while did not magically flip a switch in her brain that allowed her to be ok with being taken care of. Through her natural personality and years of emotional damage, she had hardwired herself to reject all outside help. Whenever she would reach out she would always get burned, so she had decided to stop reaching out.

Lucy walked into the room and told Liv that Noah had been very good today, and that she had just put him to bed. Amanda glanced at her watch and was surprised to see that it was already 8:30 pm. It had felt like forever waiting for the doctor to decide he was sure that she'd be alright and sign her discharge papers, but she had assumed it just felt that way because she was so anxious to leave. Being a girl who did not like to show vulnerability, she did not appreciate lying in a hospital gown as Fin and Barba kept popping in to check on her. Carisi hadn't stayed as long, but she wasn't hurt by it. They hadn't known each other long or well enough for the situation to have not been awkward.

The one person who hadn't been there to see her was Nick. Liv had told her that Gil was in a different hospital with a sprained wrist, and Amanda wasn't sure if she had been relieved or disappointed. Under no circumstances did she want to end up telling him because she hadn't been taking care of herself and collapsed in the courtroom, but she didn't think she'd be able to keep it from him in the hospital. Nick was always very intuitive when it came to her, and she had a feeling that he would have clued in on the fact that it was more than just her body being tired and would have hounded her until she blurted it out.

But at least then the truth would have been out.

"Have a good night. I hope you feel better Detective Rollins," Lucy called as she closed the apartment door, pulling Amanda out of her thoughts.

"Are you hungry?"

"Not really," the blonde woman answered honestly. Being monitored by her boss was making her anxious, and thinking about Nick had further tied her stomach up in knots.

"Do you think you can eat at all? Your body needs food, it's already broken down on you once."

"Yeah I think I can eat," she sighed. She wasn't nauseated at the moment, just not particularly hungry, and she knew that she could push through that for the sake of herself and her baby.

"Okay, I seem to need to go grocery shopping but I do happen to have some pasta. What sounds better to you, alfredo sauce of tomato sauce? Well judging by the face you just made when I said alfredo I'm going to assume you'd rather have tomato sauce."

"This baby is doing weird things to my taste buds," she groaned.

"Food aversions, Rollins?" the older woman asked, cracking a smile.

"_Yes._ Just the smell of coffee makes me want to throw up, which I guess is a good thing now that I'm not supposed to drink a lot of it now. But the other day the smell of orange chicken from my favorite Chinese restaurant made me sick, and I think my heart may have actually broken in half."

"Well I don't think this part is supposed to last all nine months… if you're planning to go through with the pregnancy. You don't have to talk about them with me, Amanda, but you do have options."

"I know I do," she sighed, "but I need to talk to someone else before I start seriously considering any of them."

"He doesn't know yet?" Olivia asked knowingly.

"No… I know I need to tell him, I just haven't really had a chance to tell him yet."

"Fair enough, you've been a busy woman. But, and this is as far as my advice will go unless you give the go ahead to give you more, I would tell whoever this guy is sooner rather than later."

_The "whoever this guy is" is another one of your detectives, Sergeant._

"I know," she nodded, appreciative of the other woman not pushing her any further.

"And I was going to suggest this before I knew you were pregnant, so don't accuse me of being unfair or too protective, but I think you should take at least a week off. You've been through some heavy stuff, Amanda, and I think you should take a little time to at least start sorting things out."

Her first thought was to protest, but she realized that her boss had a point. She had been to hell and back both physically and emotionally, and as much as she didn't want to slow down for herself, she knew that it was probably a good idea. She needed time to recover, and she had something, or more accurately someone, else to consider now. She should probably make a doctor's appointment at the very least.

And one night, she would have Nick come over after he was off work and she would finally tell him that she was pregnant.

Speaking of Nick, when Olivia excused herself to use the restroom, Amanda checked her phone for the first time since she left her apartment that morning and noticed that she had a voicemail from him. Cautiously, she put the phone up to hear ear, her heartrate speeding up upon hearing his voice.

_Hey Amanda, I hope you're feeling better. I'm sure Liv has already told you why I couldn't be there to check on you myself. You gave me a quite a scare today… I know we're not on the best of terms right now but please know that if you need anything, and I mean anything, that I'll be there in an instant, ok? _

There was a long silence and Amanda was about to disconnect the call, thinking that the message was over, when his voice came back. She allowed the tears that had she had been struggling to hold back to fall as he continued to speak to her.

_I just… I want you to know that you can tell me anything. Not to uhh pressure you, but I just need you to know that… Anyways, Liv told me that she was going to take you in for the night. Please don't eat her alive. I know you don't like being taken care of. Don't think for a second that I've forgotten when you kicked me out of your apartment for trying to take your temperature when you were sick that one time. Let Liv look after you, and please try to eat something and to get some sleep. Have a good night, Amanda. Feel better._

He had finally started to forgive her, but what was going to happen when she told him her news? Did he really mean it when he said that she could tell him anything?

She let out the sob that had been threatening to burst out of her chest as she wondered if things would ever be good between the two of them again.

"Amanda?" Olivia called, rushing back into the room upon hearing her detective cry.

Her first instinct was to quickly wipe at her eyes and flee the apartment, but then how would she get home? She supposed that she could call a taxi, but she was so god damn tired. And for once, she thought that maybe she could give into Nick's wishes.

So she let Olivia look after her, even if it meant letting her see her vulnerability in all its broken glory, and even if it meant letting Olivia hold her as her body shook with sobs.

That night, she did not sleep alone. She slept with Olivia on the other side of the bed.

**Author's Note: **_Nick and Amanda will FINALLY talk next chapter, I promise!_


	10. The Inevitable

_**Author's Note: **__I tried to make this as realistic to the two of them as possible, so I hope it lives up to the excited expectations that y'all left in the reviews, which I love by the way. Also, a lot of you have been asking about how far in the time this story will go, and I will just say that I definitely have a few tricks left up my sleeve. _

Nick felt his chest freeze yet again as his phone rang for about the seventh time that day. He was a detective; it wasn't like he wasn't accustomed to days where his phone would ring incessantly and he would want to chuck it at the wall, but today was different.

The last few days had been different. Amanda had been off work for two days. It had been two days since she had collapsed in court and he found out through his boss relaying information to a phone operator that she was pregnant. Every phone call could potentially be her inviting him to come see her to tell him the news for what she thought would be the first time he heard it.

The last time he had been this anxious about receiving a phone call, it had been over another woman. His mind flashed back to when he had first proposed to Maria and she had hesitantly told him that she needed time to think. He had waited, crushed and brokenhearted for the phone to ring, but it never did. A week later she had simply shown up at his door with the ring on her hand.

None of his calls over the last two days had been from Amanda. He intentionally neglected to look at the caller ID, delaying the inevitable disappointment for another second.

"Amaro."

"Nick?" came a familiar voice through the phone, much more timid than he had ever heard it before. He hadn't expected it to be her, not this time. What did he say?

"Hey, Amanda, is everything alright?"

"Umm yeah, I'm fine," she mumbled.

"You don't sound fine," he said cautiously, fighting the urge to just yell out that he knew. But he wanted to do his best to follow Munch's voice because he did agree that she deserved the chance to tell him on her own terms. He just wished that she would bite the bullet sooner rather than later.

"Listen Nick… do you think you could come over tonight after you get off work? There's something that I kind of need to talk to you about."

"Of course," he said, before internally kicking himself for sounding to eager. Even after he had left her that voicemail, trying to show her how that she could trust him and that he would be there for her, he realized that if he wanted to convincingly play the part of not knowing he would have to sound a little more wary.

"Is it an emergency? Are you going to be ok until then?" he asked, calibrating his voice back to that of merely a concerned colleague. Amanda had often garnered his concern throughout the time that he had known her, and he had learned how to project that concern in a way that would not raise the suspicions of the squad. It wasn't until they were alone at one of each other's houses that he would allow his worries for her to be unfiltered and to reach out to her more intimately, usually to be rejected. Damn her resolution to live life as nondependent on others as possible.

"Yes, I'll be okay. Tell everyone I say hi and that I miss them, ok?"

"Will do. See you later, Amanda."

"Yeah, see you later."

The hours that were between 10 in the morning and seven in the evening seemed to taunt him by lengthening themselves. Nick kept looking up at the clock, only for the time to have barely changed after what felt like hours. Carisi, picking up on his restlessness, asked him why he seemed so anxious to leave the office, a fight nearly broke out.

"Calm down Amaro, it was a joke. I wish it wasn't though, because _clearly_ you need to go on a date and get laid with all this built up aggression."

"What I need is for you to stop being such an asshole and driving everyone on this damn team crazy. Who do you even think you are? You just come to this team and start-

"Carisi! Amaro! My office, NOW."

Olivia had ended up having to send him own early, sensing that he could just not calm down. She probed him, asking again and again about what it could possibly be that was so invasively bothering him. When he wouldn't respond she told him to take the day off, as they had no case at the point of time and that she could not afford to have him break Carisi's nose on a paperwork day.

Olivia had expected him to fight, but he just nodded his head before practically sprinting out of the precinct.

Amanda did not whether Nick texting her that Olivia had let him off early that day and he was on his way over now, if that was ok, made her feel a little relieved or little more terrified. She knew that the sooner that she told him the sooner she could have the weight of the anxiety over still having to tell him lifted off of her shoulders, but her heart threatening to beat out of her chest reminded her that the sentiment was easier said than done.

The phrase "I'm pregnant" was only two words, but she did not know if she had the strength to utter them aloud. When she had sobbed and gasped for breath in Olivia's apartment, which she was now absolutely mortified about, Olivia had stroked her hair and murmured that everything would work itself out. At the time it had comforted her, but now she wasn't so sure as to the validity of the words anymore.

Was it even possible for someone's heart to beat so fast? Her chest was pounding, her palms were sweaty, and her stomach was churning. Could she do this?

A firm knock on the door alerted her that she didn't really have a choice.

_Pull it together, Amanda. This is what needs to happen._

She peeked through the peephole and then opened the door, feeling almost like she was going to pass out again. Before Nick could even get out so much as a "hey," her stomach flipped over and she felt the bile begin to rise in her throat.

Damn it, intense nerves and being a pregnant woman in her first trimester were not a good combination.

She mumbled a quick "excuse me" before clamping a hand over her mouth and scurrying into her bathroom. She closed the door behind her, but apparently should have locked it, as she felt a hand gently pulling her hair out of her face and another one resting on her back.

She pushed back one her arms against his chest, hoping he'd get the message to wait outside and to not watch her empty stomach, but either he didn't get the message or was just ignoring it. Knowing him, it was probably the latter.

"Nick, go away," she managed to pant out in between heaves.

A simple "no" was his only reply.

Sometimes she really appreciated how caring and protective that he was towards her, but most of the time it drove her up the wall, and the current occurrence was not one of the exceptions.

When she was fairly certain that her stomach was done sabotaging her attempt to have a nice, civil conversation with the man who had impregnated her, she leaned forward to flush the toilet and begrudgingly accepted the washcloth that he was holding out for her to wipe her mouth on.

"Thanks," she muttered, not making eye contact with him.

"No problem. You want some water?"

She wanted to protest, to inform him that she was capable of getting her own water, but all the energy and bravery that she had mustered up had just been sucked out of her. Accepting a glass of water wasn't weak, right?

"Yes please."

"I'll be right back," he said, squeezing her shoulder lightly before leaving the room.

God, she was not looking forward to this conversation, especially with the way things had started out. Nick came back into the room quickly, kneeling down beside her and holding out the glass of water, which she accepted without incident. As she cautiously took a few sips, he began to speak.

"Must be a pretty bad stomach bug you've caught if you're still sick."

There was something funny about Nick's demeanor and tone of voice, but Amanda couldn't quite put her finger on it.

_Alright, here we go._

"Actually, it's not a stomach bug, it's umm…"

"Amanda, remember what I said? You can tell me _anything_," he said expectantly, a little too expectantly. What did he think was going on here?

Sighing, she looked down at the floor. It was now or never.

"Nick, I'm pregnant," she blurted out, snapping her eyes back up to him, desperately searching for any sort of emotional reaction in his face. His expression definitely changed, but he didn't seem utterly stunned and panicked like she had expected.

"I hate to steal your thunder, Amanda, but I already knew that. I was just waiting for you to tell me that yourself."

_What?!_

_How did he- how could he…_

Looks like she was the one getting shocking news today, not the other way around. Her head was spinning- how on Earth could have known, seemingly before he came to her apartment? Sensing that she was at a loss for words, he began to explain himself.

"When you passed out after testifying, Barba, who I might add I'm curious about how he knew, told Liv to tell the 911 operator that you were pregnant. I was very shocked, to say the least, even though I had some vague suspiscions. Don't worry, no one else in the room heard."

"But Liv said you didn't hear, either! What if Fin and Carisi know? Oh god, everyone knows. What am I going to do?"

"Hey, hey. Fin and Carisi were definitely too far away to hear with how quietly Barba and Liv were speaking. I just played dumb, that's why Liv thinks that I don't know. And I'm assuming when you were with Olivia you didn't tell her that I was the one that got you pregnant?"

"Of course not! I wanted to talk to you about that before she knew! What kind of woman do you think I am? I would never blindside you like that!"

"Amanda, I'm not accusing you of anything," he said calmly, looking her right in the eye.

He was right. There was no anger or belligerence in his tone; even when he inquired as to why Barba knew before he did, he wasn't accusing her of being sneaky or trying to hide the fact that he was potentially going to be a father again from him. He was holding himself calm and steady, which for him was no easy feat. He was trying hard, very very hard. And she supposed that considering the current state of things, she should be doing the same.

"I'm sorry I flew off the handle for a moment there, I was just shocked. I figured I'd be the one taking you by surprise today, and not the other way around."

"Understandable," he chuckled, before gazing at her intently. He may not be pointing fingers at her, but he was still counting on an explanation.

"I never meant to tell Barba, and I obviously never meant for Olivia to find out. That part just kind of happened. And so did the thing with Barba. I wanted you to know first, I promise, but I had just found out the day before the trial and was crying and Barba just happened to call me and I just really needed someone. And then I promised myself that the day after I testified that I would tell you because I needed to focus on one thing at a time, but then, well, you know what happened. I just kind of lost my courage for a while. But I never meant to hide it from you, Nick."

He stared blankly ahead for a moment, assumedly processing the flood of words that had just came out of her mouth at lightning speed. She hadn't stopped for a breath and anxiously watching Nick led her to hold what was left of the air in her lungs right there, resulting in a strangled gasp.

"Hey, breathe Amanda," he encouraged, his hand tentatively rubbing her back. When she didn't shift or push it away, he let it rest there.

"I just needed some time to take that all in, and I believe you. I'm just relieved is all."

"Relieved?"

"When I found out that Barba knew first, I was afraid that after our fight at the bar that I had completely lost what I had of your trust. And don't fight me there, I _know_ that you don't trust me completely. But I'm glad that it wasn't like that."

"It's not like I have all of your trust either," she retorted, not in the mood to fight with him but also not about to let him paint himself as the martyr in their relationship. Yes, she was difficult in ways that Nick did not deserve to have to deal with, but sometimes he was just so damn self-righteous and it drove her insane.

"Fair enough," he said slowly, still obviously trying very hard to maintain the peace, "you and I don't exactly have the best track record. But can we put that to the side for a second to talk about the most current mess we've gotten ourselves into?"

"Nick, I honestly have no idea how to handle this. I'm not saying that this is easy on you, but you've been a dad before. I have no idea on what motherhood is. I never exactly planned on not having kids, but I was never banking on them either! How do I even do this? What if I'm a terrible mother! I already passed out once because I wasn't even eating or sleeping! I'm a good detective but that has nothing to do with being a mom!"

"Wait, wait, wait, Amanda slow down. You… you really want to do this?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't like abortion, I wouldn't say I'm 100% opposed to it… I work in SVU for god's sake, but-

"Nick, I've put a lot of thought into this. I may not know what I'm getting myself into, but you're going to be a dad again."

"Are you sure? I don't want you to get an abortion, but I also don't want you to do anything you don't want to because of me."

"Yes, Nick, I'm sure."

"So this is really happening."

"Yes. It's really happening. But Nick, I don't want you to feel trapped by this."

"Trapped?"

"You already have two kids and I don't want you to feel like you have to be a perfect dad to this one. I may not know what I'm doing but I can handle it."

Amanda felt the hand that had been resting on her back being retracted sharply, and she turned to look up at Nick, who she had clearly (and unintentionally) pushed over the edge. He had been trying so hard to be civil and calm with her, but before he even began to speak, she knew that had gone out the window. She wasn't even trying to pick a fight that time- did she accidentally insult him? Did she choose her words incorrectly?

"Nick, whatever I said, I didn't mean-

"You didn't mean to say that I wouldn't be there for my child? Because that's sure as hell what it sounded like Amanda!"

"I just didn't want to make you feel like you didn't have options!"

"What options? Options like walking out on my kid, or did you mean something else by being a less than perfect dad? Enlighten me, Rollins!"

"You're right! I'm sorry! You're better than that, I know! I just… I'm scared, ok?"

"Scared that I'm going to leave you pregnant and alone? Jesus, Amanda, I knew that you didn't trust me, but I didn't think you thought of me as a deadbeat!"

"I don't, I just meant that-

"Ok, so you don't think of me as a deadbeat. Do you think of me as more of an abusive asshole like my dad?"

_His dad. So that's what this was about. _

"No! You're not your dad and I know that! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that."

"Well you did, Amanda."

"I take it back, Nick, I didn't mean it!"

"You take it back? It doesn't work like that!"

And just like that, he was gone, rushing out of her bathroom. How much lower could she possibly get? Here she was, sitting on her bathroom floor with tears running down her face because she had broken what was left of the relationship she had with the man who got her pregnant. She might as well start gambling again, while she was at it.

She heard her front door open and there was a few seconds of hesitation where she got her hopes up, only to have them crushed when she heard the door aggressively slammed shut. She broke out into sobs, no longer feeling the need to hide her emotions and vulnerability from Nick.

He was gone.

Or so she thought.

"I'm so sorry, hey, I'm so sorry. It's ok, Amanda, I'm not going anywhere. Everything is gonna be ok, Amanda. I'm so sorry," he murmured, sitting back down on the bathroom floor and taking her into his arms.

She didn't push him away, but she didn't return his embrace either. She just shook her head, hurt by Nick's outburst and embarrassed that he got to see her sobbing on her bathroom floor. She felt his finger under chin, tilting her head up to look up at him.

She begrudgingly met his gaze with a stubborn one of her own.

"I'm not going _anywhere_, ok? I will take care of you through this, I promise. We will find a way to make this work together."

The way he looked at her brought butterflies to her stomach. She believed him, that was for sure. Never before had anyone looked at her or spoke to her in such an intensely devoted way. But she quickly shook the thought from her head.

_If it wasn't for this baby, he wouldn't have anything to do with you. You've been terrible to him. This is all about the baby, not you. He doesn't care about you as anything more than a coworker, he just cares about his kid._


	11. A Long and Winding Road

"Amanda, you got that?"

Did she get what? Oh, well it probably wasn't that important because Amaro, Fin, and Carisi all looked rather calm. If it was something that she desperately needed to hear at least one of them would've been up in arms.

"Yes, I've got it," she falsely reassured Olivia, hoping that she hadn't already messed up her first day back at work.

Both Olivia and Nick had encouraged her to take some more time off, but she had assured Olivia that being back at work was what was best for her. Being hardly along at all in her pregnancy, her boss hadn't been able to use that card against her and once she had promised her that her head was in a better place than it was a week and a half ago, there wasn't really much Olivia could do to keep her out of the precinct.

Nick was worried about her, but in all honesty, when was Nick not worried about her? He probably would have pushed harder for her to stay at home a while longer, and to actually try a therapy appointment like Olivia had intended for her to, but he knew that he was treading in dangerous water after his little outburst in her bathroom. Amanda was ready to tell him that all was forgiven and to move past so they could back to normal, knowing what it was like for emotional trauma to bring out the worst in oneself, but she was afraid to do so because she didn't know what normal was for them. In the past normal had been sleeping together and liking the other person enough to keep them around for a little while after. Nothing out of a Nicholas Sparks novel, that was for sure.

Nor did she want it to be, because they weren't really the warm and fuzzy feelings, uber romantic type. But that didn't mean that in the past the idea of being his girlfriend hadn't crossed her mind, whatever the term "girlfriend" meant for a guy who was still technically married to his wife and for a girl who had never been with a guy for over six months.

But now there was a child growing inside of her, and things were that much more complicated. In Amanda's mind, the term girlfriend or partner would now have the connotation of "because you're having my baby." Maybe she wasn't giving Nick enough credit; it wasn't like he kicked her out of bed of anything. He had always looked out for her, even before they started sleeping with each other, and while they were he treated her with nothing but love. And sometimes she caught something in his eye that reminded her of looking up into the eyes of her first love, a lanky, shy 15 year old from Atlanta who could not have been more different than Nick Amaro.

Those hypothetical feelings for her, if they in fact existed, would never change the fact that he was still married to his wife during their pre-baby time together, and probably holding out some semblance of hope for Maria to come back to him. And even if that was more about Zara than anything else, it only furthered her insecurity that he would only be sticking by her side for the sake of having a whole family and being close to their child.

So where did they go from there? If Amanda didn't want to try out a real relationship, what was left? Casual sex seemed really juvenile and trashy when she was pregnant with his baby. The only viable option left seemed to work on friendly, platonic co-parenting relationship. God, the thought made her want to gag.

"You ok, Rollins?"

Carisi must have sensed the distress on her face. _Way to go, Amanda._ She was dreading the boys treating her like a glass doll since the truth about what Patton had done to her had finally come to light and since her little collapsing incident, and here she was, giving none other than Sonny Carisi more evidence that she should.

Of course, she was also worried that Olivia, Barba, and Nick would be too overprotective of her because of that and the fact that they knew she was pregnant, but Olivia had agreed not to do so until she was farther along in her pregnancy. And she may or may not have called Barba and threatened to cut all of his suspenders if he gave anything away.

He had agreed to be careful to not treat her any differently without objection.

Nick had been a little harder to convince. He not surprisingly thought that she should already be extra cautious with what tasks she took on work, and that it would better if the whole team knew just in case anything were to happen. She pleaded with him not to tell Fin or Carisi, because she was just not ready to have more of personal life come out into the open and to be treated like she was fragile. He had conceded and said that he would do his best not to give anything away by how he treated her, but that there were no guarantees.

Damn Nick and his over protectiveness. She was sure Olivia felt the same way sometimes when she was his partner.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But uh, would you mind repeating to me what Olivia said? I must have been zoning out and I just really didn't want to face her wrath on my first day back."

"You agreed to go with me to the crime scene."

Carisi might not be her favorite person in the department, that title probably laying with Fin at the moment, but she was a little relieved that she was not being paired up with him or Nick at the moment. Considering her current train of thought regarding her relationship with Nick, she was glad to have a break from him, and she figured that Fin would be more likely to deduce that there was something more than Patton that was bothering her.

"Alright, let's get going then."

"You feeling alright, Rollins? You look a little pale."

_Damn it._

"I'm fine, just a little nervous to be back is all. I was afraid you boys would have burned the place to the ground by now, but it looks like there's no fire for me to put out."

"Yeah, well I'm still glad you're back. There was that much more paperwork for me to do."

She rolled her eyes, "I'm glad you missed me Carisi."

"I wouldn't go that far, but it's certainly a better dynamic with you here. I've heard Olivia can be a bit of a hard ass with you, but I think she definitely missed having you around. I got to be the problem child while you were gone."

"Well don't worry, crazy Rollins is back."

"Good. Fin was on edge without his partner and Amaro… I don't know what was up with Amaro."

_Oh god._

"What do you mean?"

"Fin didn't tell you? He nearly punched me in the face because he was all anxious about leaving one day and I asked him if he had a date. He couldn't calm down and Olivia had to send him home. He's been kind of weird since then, but I haven't asked him about it because I like my face the way it is. Maybe you should talk to him."

"Me? Why me?"

"I don't know, you guys have always seemed pretty close."

_A lot closer than you think, Sonny._

"Yeah, well the last thing I need in my life is Nick Amaro angry with me. I already have Olivia breathing down my neck."

Ok, so it was kind of lie. Sure, Olivia was worried about her, especially since she had fallen apart at her apartment. (Amanda hadn't been able to look her in the eye since then.) But she wouldn't exactly call that breathing down her neck.

"Fair enough. Maybe Fin can fix it, or he can work it out on his own. I don't really care, I just don't want to be in constant danger of physical assault."

Amanda rolled her eyes again, choosing to end the conversation there. She didn't hate Carisi; he had certainly grown on her since they had first met, but she couldn't guarantee him that if had made any more annoying comments that he had a knack for making that he wouldn't be Nick's punching bag. It was going to be a long seven months or so for the three of them.


	12. All We Can Do is Keep Breathing

Crime scenes had never been Amanda's favorite part of the job. She had grown more desensitized to them throughout her years in the field, being able to take notes on dead, possibly mangled bodies and not cry for three hours when she got home. (Her first year as a cop took an unbelievable emotional toll on her.)

Still, this was the second body in under forty-eight hours, obviously sexually brutalized and murdered by the hand of the same person. The job was never exactly uplifting and full of warm, fuzzy feelings, but Amanda thought the cases with a ticking clock were always the most depressing and anxiety inducing. Whoever was going on this sick crime binge had probably committed lesser crimes in the past that the NYPD had never been able to pin him to, and something must have happened to push him over the edge into committing these devastatingly violent murders one right after the other.

While they were observing one victim who must had gone through unimaginable pain, the perpetrator could very well have been causing it to another innocent person. She _hated_ cases like this, where the loose cannon off on a crime spree was not only homicidal, but sexually sadistic enough for the SVU squad to be called in.

But even in her first months in the police force when each death absolutely crushed her, she had never been squeamish. Blood, bullet holes, stab wounds, you name it, she had always been able to endure it without turning pale as a sheet or feeling sick to her stomach. Her ability to view and discuss the most horrifying details of a crime without batting an eyelash was always a point of pride for her.

However, now that she was pregnant, it was a whole different story. She hoped that the first crime scene that she visited with Carisi earlier in the week, where she had to fight the urge to throw up on Carisi's shoes the entire time, would have her be better prepared and less nauseated for the second crime scene that she had been sent to with Nick. Unfortunately, she did not get what she had hoped for, and was again struggling the entire time to keep her breathing even and to not get sick.

This did not go unnoticed by her coworker and the father of her child, who reached out to rub her back when the officer who had first responded to the scene was facing the opposite way. Her resulting scowl caused him to drop his hand, and instantly felt bad upon seeing hurt flash across his face, before resuming her focus on willing her stomach to settle.

"Thank you officer."

Nick's voice brought her back to the present, and she quickly echoed the sentiment to the police officer in front of them before following Nick in the direction of the car. The air was thick and tense between the two of them and as much as she didn't want to address anything while they were working, she knew that the discord would be obvious at the precinct and she was not in the mood to deal with any questions.

"Look, Nick, I'm sorry I glared at you but I really don't need any police officers being suspicious of our…" she trailed off, not really sure of how to categorize the connection between the two of them.

"Relationship? Predicament? The fact that you're carrying my child?"

"_Nick_,_" _she hissed.

What was he doing? Was he trying to get them found out?

"Relax, Rollins, no one is around to hear us."

"That doesn't mean that you should be saying those things when we're out in public! Or that you should be touching me in front of random police officers!"

"Not talking about it isn't going to make this whole thing go away."

"That is _not_ what I'm trying to do. Ok, maybe I tried to do that at first. Before I knew for sure that I was…" she paused, lowering her voice, "pregnant, I refused to take a test and tried to ignore it. But do you know how that worked for me? I was still sick and unnaturally tired all of the time and ended up in the hospital; don't you remember all of that? So if you seriously think I'm trying to ignore all of this, I'm not."

"Then why are you acting so high strung whenever I try to address the fact that you're pregnant?"

She flinched at him speaking so loudly about their situation. Sure no one seemed to be around to hear him, but didn't being a detective teach him that you could never be too careful with dangerous information?

"I already told you. Because I can't afford to get caught! And neither can you! Liv might like you more a hell of a lot more than she likes me but if she found out that you were the father of this kid, do you know how pissed and betrayed she'd feel? I wouldn't want to be around for that!"

"Amanda, she's going to have to find out eventually."

She flinched again. Maybe that was the one detail that Nick was right about her ignoring and not talking about in the hopes that it would go away. Could she hide that the kid was Nick's while she was carrying it inside of her? It probably wasn't a good idea, but it was possible. Could she hide that fact once the kid was out in the world? Definitely not. Not to mention that if the truth came out _after_ she had her baby, Olivia's reputation would most likely be permanently ruined. How could scrutiny not come upon a sergeant whose detective was pregnant with the child of her other detective and neither of them had been fired or transferred before the baby was born? She couldn't do that to Olivia.

But it wasn't time to tell her just yet.

"I know. But now is not the right time."

"And I agree with you about that."

"Great! Now can you please act normal around me while we're at work? That officer could have easily turned around and realized that something was up. Word travels fast, Nick! I don't understand why you're being so weird now when you weren't like this when we were… sleeping together," she said, looking at the ground, finding it just as hard to talk about their relationship out loud as it was to talk about having a child together, "Fin and Carisi both have made comments about how you seem overly protective and I've only been back for three days! The excuse of you just being worried about me passing out and everything that happened with the Patton trial is only going to be good for about another week."

"Well, you're pregnant, Amanda. Of course I'm going to worry!"

"It's one thing to worry, but it's another thing to tip people off!"

"Look, the fact that no one knows it's my baby does not change the fact that it _is_ my baby you're having."

"I never said that it did."

"Amanda, I was around Maria the whole time she was pregnant with Zara. And she wasn't even an SVU detective."

"And what's your point there?"

"My point is that me getting you pregnant is the reason that while everyone else on the squad is exhausted and sleep deprived, it's ten times worse for you. You'd be exhausted just laying around at home all day, but you're still here working the same crazy hours that we are. It's also the reason that while the rest of us live with more caffeine than blood running our veins, you are only allowed to have one cup of coffee a day. But you don't even get to drink that one cup a day because the smell of it makes you gag. My point is that you being pregnant is the reason why you can't afford to skip several meals in a row like the rest of us do because we're so god damn busy all the time, but it's also the reason why often don't feel well enough to even think about food. My point is that this job is _hard_, Amanda, and I know you don't like to feel pitied but you can't tell me on good conscience that this job is now not harder on you than it is on the rest of us. And I don't want Liv to find out before we decide to tell her, but I'm going to worry, and I'm going to be protective."

Amanda stared at him with wide eyes, the shock stealing the words from her tongue.

She expected him to have a way to rationalize his behavior, but not one like that. On some level she knew that Nick cared about her, but she was still surprised to hear it come pouring out of him like that. But still, how much of it was concern for their child, how much of it was concern about her own wellbeing, and how much of it was guilt?

She bit her lip in frustration, once again unsure of where she stood with him.

He cared about her to some degree, she decided, but she also knew that there was a big difference between caring about someone in a platonic sense and caring about them romantically.

Did she want him to care about her romantically?

She had no idea.

God, she felt like a middle school girl all over again. But she wasn't an awkward preteen girl with braces, listening to her mom cry over her sister through the thin walls of the apartment anymore. She was a grown woman with an unplanned pregnancy with a man who she had no idea what their relationship was.

She remembered something that Olivia had told her that night when she had sobbed so hard she thought her chest might break in her home:

"_You don't have to have it all figured out right now."_

"Amanda?"

"Sorry, I must have zoned out for a minute. Nick, I really appreciate that, I really do. But do you think that maybe you could try to worry about me a little bit less obviously?"

"If it would make you happy, I could try."

"It would make me happy, Nick."

"Then I'll try."

"Thank you," she sighed, feeling like the incredible weight on her shoulders had been lightened ever so slightly.

"You're welcome. And Amanda?"

"Yes?"

"If there's anything, and I mean anything, I can do to help or make this easier on you in any way, please let me know."

"I will," she assured him, not really knowing if she was lying to him or not. It wasn't that she doubted his sincerity, it was that she doubted her willingness to ask for help.

The ride back to the precinct was silent, but more of a comfortable silence than any of their recent silences had been. Still, she knew that the bridge between them was nowhere near repaired, and that there was infinitely more to talk about, and that they weren't particularly skilled at talking.

But she felt the teeniest bit closer to him than she had earlier in the morning, and she supposed that was a step in the right direction.


	13. Typical

It wasn't like nightmares were some kind of foreign phenomenon to her.

Even before Patton had taken advantage of her, being in the police force was enough to prevent her from sleeping soundly every night. And even before that, worries about her sister pervaded what was supposed to be her time of rest.

But god damn it, she really didn't need to wake up in a cold sweat that night.

Nick was right when he (very emphatically) told her that working in sex crimes was hard enough on its own, and that he was entitled to worry about her juggling it all while also being pregnant. Not that she was really all that surprised that he was right; he had a knack for that. It was frustrating how often that man was right. Couldn't he just let her be the rational, responsible one between the two of them for once?

But as much as she wanted him to be wrong, she was definitely feeling her condition wearing down on her. It was getting infinitely harder and harder to be awake and focused throughout the ungodly hours that they worked with each passing day, as the sleep deprivation and exhaustion built up on her. Was it easy before she was pregnant? Definitely not. But this was just a whole new level of difficult, and she hadn't even been back for a full week yet.

According to all the information she had been reading on the internet, her second trimester would feel a lot better than the tiredness and queasiness of the first. But she was still only eight weeks pregnant, and the thought of "only" having a month left of not being able to keep her eyes open and having to near-constantly sip on ginger tea to keep from throwing up everywhere did not seem very encouraging.

And it wasn't like her first case back was a perfectly comforting one either. Okay, so there was no such thing as a comforting thing case in SVU, but this sick, sadistic spree rapist and killer was of a caliber that shocked and disgusted even the seasoned Olivia Benson. He was getting sloppier, and they even had the guy's DNA and had plastered his face all over the town and on the news, and still: nothing.

No one had called in, no one had apparently ever seen that guy before. The only crime had had ever committed, or at least been tied to, was a drug charge. What had driven this guy so insane? And where was he?

If there was ever a night that Amanda Rollins needed to sleep, it was then. But no, her subconscious apparently could not afford to give her a reprieve. It was her first opportunity to sleep for more than four hours at a time since she had returned, and she had dreamed of Patton.

As she sat up in her bed and hugged her knees, Nick's words rang in her head:

"_If there's anything, and I mean anything, I can do to help or make this easier on you in any way, please let me know."_

She briefly considered calling him, but how pathetic would that be? What would she even say to him? "Come hold me I am absolutely exhausted and shattered and maybe I would actually be able to get some sleep before we are inevitably woken up by this case if you were here?" Nope, that was not Amanda Rollins.

Then again, she knew that it was her insane vulnerability complex that was speaking there. She knew that Nick Amaro would be there in a heartbeat if his pregnant… colleague couldn't sleep and needed him to comfort her. After all, she had done it for him before. When Zara first moved to California, it was an unimaginably rough time in Nick's life. The first time he had a nightmare regarding Zara and the horrific crimes they saw against children and did not have the comfort of knowing that she was at least on the same side of the country as he was, he had called her.

And did she think it was pathetic of him? Absolutely not. If anything, she was glad that he called instead of trying to suffer through it by himself. He was crying ever so slightly, she remembered, and she had wiped his eyes and reassured him over and over again that his daughter was safe until he fell back asleep with her arms around him.

Amanda realized that she held herself to a different standard than others when it came to asking for help, but up until now, she had always thought it had protected her. She thought it would keep all of the other rapist deputy chiefs and untrustworthy sisters of the world away from her, but she was beginning to wonder if she was actually doing herself more harm than good.

Could she find a compromise between independence and allowing (some) people in?

She wondered if that was one of the things that Olivia Benson worked on in therapy… shit, maybe she should have actually tried that.

Her hands drifted down to her flat stomach; did she really want to teach her child by her actions that no humans were to be trusted?

Her musings were brought to an end by her cell phone ringing on her nightstand. She groaned; now she was _definitely_ not going to be getting anymore sleep that night.

"Rollins."

"Listen, Rollins, whatever you do, do _not_ leave your apartment."

"Carisi, I don't know what you think I do when I'm not at work, but it's two thirty in the morning. Why would I ever be leaving my apartment right now?"

"I don't know, Rollins. But there's a new body about a block from your apartment, and we don't think the guy did it because he knows where you live, because there's no way he knows that, but you can't be too careful with a crazy guy like this. We're all on our way over, so don't move until we get there."

"So let me get this straight, there's a chance this guy is after me and you guys all decide that the best course of action is to wake me up _last?_"

"Relax Rollins, I only got the call about fourty-five seconds before you did. Look, you're gonna be fine, okay? The only thing consistent about this guy is that he's random, so I'd bet anything that he's not after ya. Just make sure your door is locked and don't open it unless it's one of us."

"Yeah, so I don't know if you've heard this already, but I'm kind of a _cop_, Carisi. I think I know basic safety rules."

"No need to be rude! Just trying to reassure you."

"You're right," she sighed, "Sorry, Carisi. You just startled me a little bit is all."

"Understandable considering the situation. I'm on my way, okay? I think I'm the last to leave and the farthest away so everyone else will probably beat me there, but you won't be on your own in a minute or two. But if there's anything suspicious, call one of us."

"Got it. See you soon."

"Bye. Be careful."

Amanda crossed her arms, allowing them to rest on her stomach. She knew everything was going to be fine, but even the tiniest chance that this guy was after her was definitely not helping with her distressed state of mind.

She just truly could not catch a break.


	14. Into the Night

If you asked Amanda Rollins what a party was, the odds are that she would not tell you it was the squad all huddled together in her living room at three in the morning because a crazed killer may or may not be targeting her. Still, that did not stop a certain member of the team from apologizing for being late to said party, and it most certainly did not stop another member of the team from (verbally) attacking the first member.

"Amaro, Carisi, can we please try to keep it together? Save the cat fighting for later. Let's try to focus on making sure Rollins is safe," Olivia ordered, giving an especially pointed look toward Nick.

Was Olivia just using Nick's routine protectiveness over Amanda as leverage, or did she know more about the parameters of their relationship than she was letting on? Oh god, did she _know_? Instinctively, her hands went to the part of her body that was keeping her secret, which managed to catch Nick's eye.

"Are you alright?" he mouthed, trying to keep his concern as inconspicuous as possible as she had asked him to.

She nodded her head in response and he raised an eyebrow, perceivably not fully convinced but willing to let it go for the time being, which she was quite thankful for. She knew that the recent turn of events had to have him on edge, and if they could get through the night without garnering any suspicion from the rest of the squad, everything would be that much easier. She understood why he was so worried, and she just hoped he could channel it into catching the perp. Tonight was about finally getting this guy off the streets, not about one of them potentially losing their job.

"Alright, Carisi, you're going to stay here with Rollins. Whatever you do, do _not_ let her talk you into leaving this apartment until we come back up here. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Sergeant."

"Olivia, can't I-

"No, Rollins. We have more reason to believe that this guy is not after you than he is, but this man has raped and mutilated six people within the last five days. We're not going to take any chances with you. Normally I have to say this to Nick and not to you, but please don't give Carisi any trouble."

"Fine."

"Aww don't sound so disappointed. I'm sure we're going to have a real good time!"

"Hey-

"Nick, it's fine. I'm sure we will, Sonny," she said, rolling her eyes.

Why couldn't Olivia have assigned Fin or Nick to more or less babysitting her?

"Fin, Nick and I will check out the crime scene and canvas the area. Let me reiterate this one more time, Rollins you are not to leave this building, and Carisi, if you like this job, you will not let her."

"Got it," they both mumbled exasperatedly, neither of the two particularly thrilled with the prospects of their situation.

As much as Amanda still needed to warm up to him, she knew that Carisi's lack of enthusiasm for the assignment had nothing to do with him not being unconcerned for her welfare. She knew that he would throw himself into the line of fire for her if need be in a heartbeat, because as annoying as he could be, he still took his role as a member of the team seriously. He was loyal to her, and even to Nick, by default. If anything, she knew his reluctance to stay with her was due to his wanting to go out and get rid of the threat to her (if there was one) himself.

She had good teammates, and in the wake of the last few weeks, she was extremely grateful for the fact.

As Olivia, Fin and Nick prepared to head out, the latter managed to sneak over toward her for a moment.

"You know I'm not going to let this guy near you right?" he whispered, breathing into her ear, his hot breath and the fervor in his tone sending a shiver down her spine.

The way he was talking to her, he could have told her anything, and she would've believed him.

"Manda?"

"I know," she whispered.

"It'll all be over soon. We're going to keep you safe, I promise. Everything is going to be alright."

"Nick, I-

"Amaro, let's go!"

"Will see you later," she finished, giving him the most reassuring smile she could muster. He needed to be focused on his objective, not preoccupied with worry over her.

"See you in a few, Rollins."

_Did he just wink at her? _

It was really hard to keep whatever their relationship even was discrete when he was making her face flush redder than a tomato. Luckily, she had only turned on a dim light on her apartment, so the odds that anyone else could tell how hard blushing were next to zero. But still, she was not a fan of how much of an effect he had on her. For now, she would just chalk it up to the hormones.

"And then there were two," Carisi chirped lightly, considering the possible gravity of the situation, pulling her out of her reverie.

"Make yourself at home," she murmured cuttingly, hoping he would leave her alone for the most part. She wasn't angry at him at the moment, but she was achingly tired and frustrated with the entire situation, and really did just want to be bothered.

"Listen I'll stay on guard, you can go back to sleep if you want to."

"What? If y'all are awake because of me, I think I can manage to keep my eyes open, too."

"Yeah, fair is fair, but I could understand why you'd just want to sleep through this one."

"I'm too riled up to go back to sleep now, but I appreciate the sentiment."

"He's not after you, Rollins. I mean, technically he could be, but it's-

"Unlikely? True, but it doesn't mean it's impossible."

"Even if this guy has it out for you, do you really think those three that are out there are you going to let him touch you? You've seen the crime scenes; he just keeps getting sloppier and sloppier. There's no way he's in a strong enough state of mind to weasel his way past three detectives who know what they're doing. Besides, if he somehow did, that's what I'm here for. Relax, Rollins. You're probably the safest woman on the planet right now."

"I guess you're right. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but thanks Carisi."

"I'm not a terrible guy _all _of the time, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," she chuckled.

"Even a guy like me could never be rude to a woman in your condition."

"You mean a woman who may or may not be the object of a crazed killer's attention?"

"I'm not supposed to tell anyone yet, but my sister's pregnant. You're not fooling me, Rollins."

"Carisi, I am definitely _not_ pregnant if that is what you're implying."

"The others might not see it, but I sure do. You're always half asleep and turning down coffee when you used to live off of it. Bella's been acting the same way."

"I am not-

BANG.

Was that… no it couldn't be.

BANG.

Shit, that was most definitely a gunshot.

"No, no, no, no, no!"

Carisi threw himself backwards, his back slamming into the door. Olivia had threatened his job if he let Amanda out into the line of fire, and he was not about to jeopardize that or her safety.

"Rollins, breathe. Stop hitting me, ouch. God damn it! Amanda, I am not letting you out there! Get back in your room! Get away from the door and go hide!"

BANG.

"MOVE, Carisi! They could be hurt! You have to let me-

"_NO. _Amanda, I know you're scared, but I am not letting you out, do you hear me? You are not getting hurt on my watch."

"But… but…" she trailed off, beginning to cry. God, she had never felt so guilty in her. What if one of her own was bleeding out because of her? She had to help, she had to…

"Listen to me, Rollins, if this guy is after you, you going out there is just going to send him into a frenzy. If you leave this building, you're going to make him more likely to hurt Olivia, Nick, or Fin. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I really need you to go stay in your room, okay?"

"Nick," she whimpered, her resolve crumbling. She fell forward into Carisi, his arms grasping around her just in time to keep her from sliding down to the floor.

"And Liv and Fin will be _fine_," he finished for her, "but they need you to go back into your room. Let me hang back by the door, alright?"

She nodded back into his chest, before reluctantly retreating from the door. In her room, she sat in bed, pulling her comforter around her. She shook with worry, hoping and wishing with all of her might that no one would be hurt in her name. Especially not Nick…

"Hello? What the hell just happened out there?"

Carisi's voice, presumably answering his phone, made her entire body freeze. The erratic thumping of her heart in chest drummed disorienting-y loud in her ears, and she felt the air harden in her lungs.

_Let everyone be okay. Please, let everyone be okay._

"Rollins? You can come back out now."

His voice was measured, a little too measured for her comfort.

She rose and numbly walked back into her living room, feeling her legs quake with every movement. She couldn't lose any of them. She just couldn't.

"Fin got shot. Just in the arm, though. He's going to be fine. But uhh, the guy…"

"What happened?" she asked through gritted teeth. God, could he just cut the being gentle with her feelings bullshit and just tell her already? Every fiber of her just _needed_ to know what transpired.

_Don't tell me who got to Liv or Nick, too. Don't tell me they're dead. Please, let Liv and Nick be fine._

"The guy said he was your father."


	15. Haunting

"M-my dad is dead, Carisi," she said slowly, confused and stammering.

"As far as I know, the guy is still alive. Shot, but Olivia says the guy has a chance at making it. Don't know how good of a chance, though-

"_No_, I mean my dad is _dead_. Or was dead before, I mean. I saw- I saw the body at the funeral and it was definitely him. I didn't want to go because he left… never mind. But there's no way whoever's been murdering all these people is my dad!"

"Oh."

"Yeah," she said lamely, just as dumbfounded as the man in front of her. Who on this earth would have such a vendetta against her that he would rape and murder innocent people in her name? And why would he refer to himself as her father? It didn't make any sense, unless…

Oh no. Oh god no. There was no way. It couldn't have been him. He wouldn't have come to New York for this. He wasn't that crazy. He couldn't be. No. It wasn't possible.

"Rollins, you look like you've seen a ghost. I'm guessing you have an idea of who this guy is?"

"Did Liv notice any distinguishing features on this guy?"

"It was dark even with the streetlights, but she said maybe a lazy eye."

Oh god. It was him. The _one_ horror from her time in Atlanta that she thought would die in Georgia had forced itself back into the forefront of her life and her mind. She knew the guy was dangerous, but never in a million years did she believe he would come after her after she had left.

But the trial…

"Talk to me, Rollins."

The words came flying out of her mouth before she could even catch up to herself, the pressure of the pain bubbling beneath the surface of her chest finally too strong to stay hidden in her silence.

"He raped me! He said that he didn't but he did!"

"Patton?" Carisi asked softly, "Liv and Nick would have noticed if it was him."

"No! I mean yes, but not him!"

"Slow down, Amanda. Whatever it is I believe you, but I need you to tell me the whole story. I want to help you."

His demeanor was gentle and sympathetic, but she could tell that he felt a little awkward. The man was extremely talented at pretending to empathize with suspects to get them to talk, but he was still adjusting to how to talk to the victims of the crimes they came across. She felt for him- she knew he wasn't a bad guy, just not the most emotionally sensitive guy out there. And it had to be even harder when the victim, god she hated referring to herself like that, was one of his own.

Normally, she probably would have raged and withdrew at Sonny Carisi treating her with kid gloves, but she was too shocked and exhausted to put up a fight. In that moment, there was only one thing that she could think to do, and that was to tell the truth. That was the only way this mess was going to truly untangle itself. She had to finally finish unpacking the trauma that she brought with her from Atlanta.

"Patton had, or I guess has a brother," she sighed, "an estranged one, though. You knew he had to be bad if Deputy Chief Patton didn't even want to associate with him."

"Did that son of a bitch-

"No, I was only… raped by the one that you knew about it. But his brother, Luke, he had been sent away multiple times. The family tried to pass him off as mentally ill, but that was just an insult to those who actually had mental illness. This guy was just a plain old sociopath. He had all the signs, hurting animals and setting things on fire ever since he was a little boy. As I said, Patton tried his best to disassociate from him but Luke still followed him around, pretty much stalked him…"

"Did Luke find out what his brother did to you?"

"Yeah," she breathed shakily, "And I was never going to press charges before Reese Taymor, but uh, he couldn't stand the thought of his big brother Charles, his hero, going to jail."

"What did he do to you, Rollins?"

"He tried to rape me. He forced himself on top of me and… tried to make me call him daddy," she paused, choking back the sobs that were threatening to rise up her throat from her chest, "but long story short, someone intervened and he ran. I never saw him again."

"Amanda, I am so sorry… I had no idea. We're going to get him, okay? If he doesn't die, this bastard is going away for life, do you hear me?"

"Nick and Liv are okay, right? And Fin's going to be fine?" she asked, shaking her head in an attempt to physically shake the memories out. She had finally released all of the secret, and now she just wanted to forget.

"Yes, Benson and Amaro don't even have a scratch, and Fin is going to be one hundred percent fine. As a matter of fact, we should probably get ourselves to the hospital before they get worried about us. Come on, I'll drive."

When Amanda and Sonny made their way through the hospital doors, Amanda's eyes were scanning the parameters for Olivia and Nick. Logically, she knew that they probably weren't even on this floor, but she couldn't help it. They had just endangered themselves for _her_, and not only did she feel overwhelmingly guilty, but she desperately needed to make sure that they were okay. Sure, Sonny had told her that they were fine and she didn't disbelieve him, but she needed to see them with her own two eyes.

Especially Nick.

And of course, Fin, considering that he was the one who had really paid the price of having a sociopathic lunatic after oneself for her.

But especially Nick.

"You know, Rollins, your hands drifting down to your stomach all the time is kind of a dead giveaway."

"_Shut up_, Carisi. I'm not pregnant."

"Whatever you say. Hey, I think that's Liv over there."

It was, and it took all of the tiny bit of professionalism that Amanda still clung to after the horrifying events of the night had ransacked her to keep from bolting into her arms. Never before in her life had she ever been so happy to see Olivia Benson.

"Amanda, are you alright?"

"I think I should be the one asking you that question. Are you okay, Sergeant? Are you hurt at all? Because if you are I am so sorry and-

"Breathe, Rollins. I'm fine. And so is Nick, he's just off talking to an officer. And Fin is knocked out from painkillers but he'll be good as new in a few weeks. Don't worry about us, okay? Right now I'm more concerned about you. Amanda, the shooter-

"Said he was my father, I know. Carisi told me, and I told him… everything. Look, the guy's not my father but I know who he is. I just, I already went through the story once tonight and I know I'll have to go through it again, but is there any chance it could wait? Liv, I am absolutely exhausted and shattered right now and I don't know if I can."

"How about this," Carisi spoke softly, "the guy is in surgery so there's no way you can ID him for sure right now. No need for an official statement or charges from you right now, but Olivia does need to have an idea of what's going on. Why don't you go sit in Fin's room so you'll be there if he wakes up, and if it's alright, I'll relay the story to Liv?"

"Yeah, that's fine," she breathed, "What room is Fin in?"

She half listened to the directions that Olivia gave her, and wandered off in that general direction. As much as she wanted to be there for him, there was no way she could see Fin right now without absolutely falling to pieces. Her head knew that even if she had somehow managed to have gotten Charles Patton in jail down in Atlanta, that there was nothing that could've been done to have Luke incarcerated as well. But her heart ached with guilt. Her partner, her friend, had been shot because of her past.

Well, to be fair, Amanda had been shot before because of someone from Fin's past, but that person hadn't brutally raped and murdered anyone, either.

Her breath began to shorten and her head began to spin, so she stopped stumbling aimlessly and leaned back against the wall, doing her best to take in a deep, calming breath.

"Amanda?"

She quickly flashed her eyes around the floor, making sure there was no one else from the NYPD around.

Then she flung herself into Nick's arms.

"Hey, hey, I'm right here. I've got you. Everything is going to be okay."

"Nick," she whimpered, her voice muffled by his chest.

"Shh 'Manda," he whispered softly into her hair, gently shifting his weight as to lightly rock her back and forth.

Amanda took a few minutes to compose herself, soaking in the fact that Nick was safe and physically with her, before trying to speak again. She wondered if she would regret being so vulnerable and forthcoming towards him the next day, and figured that she probably would. But right then, she didn't care. All of her past scars were bleeding out, and she needed him. It was as simple as that.

"I was so scared you were hurt," she sniffled, pulling back a little bit to look at his face. His brown eyes were staring into her blue ones, full of care and compassion, and she could tell that his heart was aching for her.

"I'm fine, Amanda, and I'm right here. Are _you_ okay?"

"M'fine," she mumbled, looking down at the floor.

"Oh really?"

"No, I'm not fine," she answered honestly, "but I don't want to talk about it. The guy, he's not my father and Carisi knows and is telling the story to Liv right now but I just can't go through it again right now… and I feel like I might pass out and I know that you're probably mad because I never want to talk but I…" she trailed off as her gaps for breath overcame her and panic flooded into your lungs.

"Breathe, Amanda. In and out. You're going to be fine. And I'm not mad that you don't want to tell the story again, you've been through hell tonight. Just promise me you'll talk to me after you've gotten some sleep, okay?"

"I promise," she murmured, leaning her head against his chest.

"Thank you," he whispered, running his hands up and down her back, "now let's get you home and to bed."

"Can you take me back to your place? I don't know if I can go back to my apartment right now."

"Of course. That's what I meant, 'Manda. You can have my bed, I'll stay in the guest bedroom."

Amanda paused to take a good hard look at him. She could tell that despite the fact that she had quite literally thrown herself at him, he was trying hard to respect her boundaries. His face was one of longing, and she knew that all he wanted to do was kiss her and say all of things that neither of them ever had the balls to say to each other, but he wasn't going to do that. Because he knew that she was in a compromised state, and he knew that she might regret everything in the morning.

And he cared about her too much to knock down all of her walls when she wasn't thinking clearly, no matter how much he had always wanted them to come down.

That is what fueled her next words.

"No. Stay with me. I don't… I don't know if I'm ready for us to be… us, or if I even know what I want, but would you just lay with me tonight? I don't want to sleep alone."

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking her dead in the eye and trying to keep from getting his hopes up. He wanted nothing more than to be there for her in her time of need, but he needed her to be sure. Tonight was about what she needed, not what he thought that she did.

"Never been so sure in my life."

"Then nothing would make me happier. Let's go home."

"Should we go say goodbye to Liv and Carisi? I don't remember where they were but I don't think we should just disappear from them?"

"Nah, I'll text Liv. Besides, she probably already left to relieve Barba from watching Noah."

"Barba? That's who she stuck Noah with on such short notice?"

"Yep."

"Nick, promise me something."

"Anything."

"Never, _ever_ leave our child alone with Barba. _Ever._"


End file.
